Just for me

This posting is gonna try to be total catharticism. I have a problem and I suspect its becoming bigger and bigger and I dont know what to do about it. Its regarding my bike wreck. I am having nightmares. It started out as one each time I tried to sleep, about 2-3 hours into a good rest, they would come, reliving the accident. Last couple times I tried to sleep, they picked up in frequency to about every 30-90 minutes and they got ugly. Where the first ones were a simple reliving of the ordeal, now when I dream the accident, I dont live through it. I die at various points of impact and I see it in great detail. Its fucking me up somewhat. So much that I'm having second thoughts about buying another bike. Great loss to me.
What I want to try to do is write exactly what I remember of the accident and see if somehow that act vents it from my mind. I dont know what else to do.
It was about 11 o'clock a.m. when I left home and my plan was to just ride east up the cities main drag and at some point, as yet undetermined, cut over to the bypass to that main drag and head to a noon N.A. meeting. San Pedro was the name of the road I headed south on to cut over to Zuni west to route myself to the meeting. The bike had made some unusual noise the day before so I was listening to the 1200cc evolution roar out its song as I went. It was likely just the fact that it was due for its oil change and the previous day I had ridden her pretty hard. I remember shifting into 3rd so without even being 100% certain I know I was going 25-35 miles an hour, thats the speed range for that gear. I saw her almost like it was unreal. She was just coming right out in front of me, we were going to collide and I knew it. I hit the brakes hard as I glanced in my left mirror looking for an escape route. No luck, there was traffic. I would have been run over. It didnt matter, the bike was laying down on its left side. Probably from me instinctively veering left to avoid her and locking up the brakes. She wasnt stopping and honestly I never had the thought or chance to hit my horn. I got off the brakes, I think I was gonna try to "muscle out of it" ( speed out of dangers way) but all it did was place me right dead square in front of her. I remember hitting and the noise. Oh God the NOISE! It was so loud I couldnt believe it. Thats where I kind of blacked out. I have circumstantial evidance that tells me what happened next but so far as actually, really KNOWING??? uh uh. Then I sort of came to again and saw my bike sliding, I think it had just flipped from one side to the other, really dont know. It does all happen in slow motion like they say. I saw pieces flying off my bike that I could identify while they, it and, myself slid down the road. The "circumstantial evidance" I have is my clothing. My helmet, my boots, my gloves. There are deep scrapes on the top of my helmet that run across the top of my head, right to left, with her cars paint in them. I had most certainley cartwheeled over the top of her car, grazing my head along the way.
Then it was done. In one instant flash I knew what had been done couldnt be undone and that I was lying in the middle of the road. I dont know if I lost consciousness or not but then I was on the sidewalk, pulling my sunglasses out of my visor and taking off my gloves and helmet. I tucked my helmet under my head. Some stranger replaced it with a pillow or jacket or something soft. I could immediatly see the swelling in my right foot, even through the thick boot.
In my dreams, sometimes I pulled into traffic and was mangled. Sometimes I kept sliding and went under her car. Sometimes I hit the asphalt and I kinda splatter.
All my biker "cronies" have looked over everything and assure me I did everything right, no way it could have been avoided. Why wont this leave my head? My only serious regret will not be my bike. Not my foot. Not my back or neck. What if I get too scared to ever ride again? Please let this be out of my head now.

out of commision

I really dont know how many read my little blog here, not many Im sure but to all of you I must say a temporary farewell. Friday morning the 21st it was a warm spring day and I took my Harley for a little joyride. As is often the case, it was cut short. Too short. A little old blue haired lady failed to see me and pulled out of a driveway directly into my side. My injuries are still in debate, probable back and neck. Some damn thing or another in my right foot. They think it may be some breaks but cant tell yet. I go to an ortho specialist Wednesday. My bike is likely totalled and I am under a tremendous amount of grief about it. A BRAND NEW 2008 XL 1200 low, anniversary edition. Only 2000 made and I had one. operative word....HAD. Lawyer says I have an open and shut case....I cant tell. bikes gone and I hurt bad is all I know right now. Later.

alas...sad but true.

OK OK OK. I FULLY understand how my post ( and in fact the reality of it) regarding my inability to orgasm from external stimulation could easily be construed as a manipulation however, to those who have submitted a comment implying that that is a possible scenario I would like to point out one small detail of the situation. I am NOT trolling for sex here. I have absolutely no reason in the world to make a statement with the hopes that some young lady will rise to the challenge and "prove me wrong" or "take me where no other woman has ever been able to". Trust me when I say my life has been, how shall we say...???...promiscous? I have ventured through several life circumstances that lent themselves admirably to a steady diet of partners. I was a musician from Jr. high school until well after high school ( Guitar and vocals), I fell into the drug scene WAY to heavily for nigh on 20 years and I drove a tractor trailer most of my adult life-ALL of which attracted a certain amount of "groupies" to varying degrees, most of which attempted oral sex and with otherwise noted exceptions...failed.
I did NOT 'fess up all the way as to my psychological exploration of this however and I will now do so. I am a dominant in a unique sort of way. During the course of sex-play, I MUST BE in the dominant role. I even have a difficult time cumming on the bottom. (though not impossible) I presume it has to do with my ego/insecurity issues. I'm not positive but it could also be the quality issue, for me at least. I DEEPLY enjoy the intimacy of intercourse and oral sex just seems kinda impersonal. I want to feel a woman's body in submission beneath me- now THAT is a huge turn on. Oh well, further comments always appreciated. Thanks!

HOW THE HELL???

Welcome dear gentle readers (scoff..ahem)
OK. We are now 2 chapters into the fantasy of my friend. Its steaming up a bit now but the best (worst?) is yet to come (cum) (I simply MUST cut out the double entendre's huh? even sickening myself) SO. Heres what I'm a gonna do about my story being out of order (I'm MUCH to nuerotic to leave it as is). Once the exciting climax (OMG....that is SOOOOooooo 'hard' to pass up but now I did kinda vow to stop that nonsense didnt I?) (Am I just a dirty lech or is it a gif that I can derive sexual connotation from the most innocent of statements?...I digress) is completed, I am going to delete all the postings of the story and re-post them in the proper order so they can be read right. Fucking OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)....it simply MUST be "right" or it makes me crazy (ier). Hm. Tidbit of really crazy insight about me? My ex and I had a VERY extensive collection of VHS movies and my neurosis was such that A. They had to be store bought-nothing "home recorded". B. They had to be on bookshelves...if loaned out a marker held their place with the borrowers name on it. And most importantly, C. THEY HAD TO BE IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER!!!! And I mean HAD TO BE!!! I tried. several times. leave one or two out. It would literally wake me up in the middle of the night and I couldnt go back to sleep untill I "fixed them". Thank GOD for medication, counseling and ......NETFLIX lol. more later Ya'll......byeeeeeeeeee

CHAPTER TWO

Chapter 2
It really wasnt unpleasant, lying there in the underbrush. I had scouted out my vantage point to be such that I had a clear view of her driveway. As soon as she got home, I would know. I tingled with anticipation. I was going to fuck the hell out of my little fantasy princess and hopefully fulfill a fantasy for her.
Darkness set in as I realized I had dozed off waiting, guess I wasnt as good at this cloak and dagger stuff as I imagined. Her car was in the driveway and the lights were off in the house. What time was it? I checked my cell phone and saw that it was almost ten pm. Hmmm. I had no clue if it was still on home time zone or if it had changed when I got here. Could be eleven but either way, it was show time.
I made my way to the now familiar back door with my crude burglary tools and carefully checked the door. I heard not a sound and tried the knob-locked. Not a problem. I rigged my jack and blocks and was in in a jiffy. I quietly closed the door behind me and just to be safe, made sure it was locked. MAN, it was dark in this house at night but I felt my way by memory to the upstairs room where I knew she slept, unsuspecting. Each step was an exercize in precision, not knowing if a creaking floorboard might waken my "victim". I was there. Right in the doorway of the room where she lay. I slowly slipped my head around the door jamb and using the minimal moonlight creeping in through the mostly drawn blinds I saw her.
She was dead asleep in the fetal position, about midway across the bed. I slipped around to her backside and continued to creep closer. I know it was her fantasy but I swear I was about to cum I was so thrilled about this escapade. Perhaps it was my excitement that caused me to move to quickly. Maybe it was just how sexy she looked, partially uncovered. It was almost as if she knew what I found to be the sexiest apperall for a woman. T-shirt and panties. Yum. In any event, I did a graceful stumble on some kind of damn shoe that hadnt been there in my earlier dress rehearsal and stubbed my toe on her bed leg. The jar immediatley awoke her with a start. I had no choice but to move as swiftly as I could. My ski mask already pulled down over my face I timed my attack to correlate with her reaction. It was a very good move. My right hand tightened around her entire face as my left arm pinned her down. She was indeed very petite and it was no trouble to hold her down and cover her mouth. She had never heard my voice before but for some stupid reason I felt it appropriate to try to alter my voice. " MAKE ONE FUCKING SOUND AND IT'LL BE YOUR LAST BITCH" I snarled at her. I held her a moment or two longer to let her grasp the situation. This was absolutely sweet. She probably knew it was me but c'mon now, several days early so she couldnt be certain and there was no way in hell I was letting her know.
After I felt her relax, not in comfort but more so in resignation I flipped her onto her back and straddled her so my weight held her down but my hand still covered her mouth. "I'm serious you sexy little bitch, make one dumb move and I'll fuck you up. It just aint worth it- PLAY ALONG- you understand me?? NOD!!!" She nodded that she understood so I grabbed her left arm in my right (free) hand and pushed it up to the corner of her mattress. I was almost afraid of smashing her as I leaned across her for my pre-placed tie. It was there and I quickly knotted it around her wrist. One more warning just to be sure- "I'm gonna uncover your mouth...make one peep and I'll knock your teeth out you understand me?" another nod. I pulled her other arm up and secured it, also knotted quite securely. Now I was gonna plain out ravage my little morsel.
I sat up over her and leaned down to her throat, one hand easily encompassed most of her neck and I felt her trembling. She really wasnt 100% positive it was me!! GOOD! I had no intention of strangling her, I slipped my hand down the front of her t-shirt and reared back hearing a satisfying rip as it shredded off of her small frame. She let out a small, high pitched whimper and in one swift motion I gave her a quick, sharp backhand slap across the cheek not to hard but very much for effect. "WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU???? You think this is some kind of game?? Your pussy aint worth your life bitch-SHUT UP!" That should do it I figured. I smashed my knee between her legs forcing her legs apart, as soon as I could get both hands between her thighs I spread her legs as wide as they could go. Roughly I shoved her panties aside and forced two fingers inside of her. She turned her head to the side,trying hard to give the apperarance of being violated while her dripping wet pussy belied her attempted veil. Time to escalate it one more notch. I pulled a razor sharp double edge fighting knife out of a wrist sheath and showed her the blade glistening in the barely perceptible light. One peep baby and I'll stick you hard, fast and repeatedly, got it? She shood her head quickly and I swear it looked like tears were welling up in her eyes. I dragged the tip of the blade down her tight little body across her firm breasts and down do her panties. Oh YEAH....she was trembling now as I slipped the blade up the leg of her little panties and (carefully) pushed the blade across her quivering mound. I angled the blade up and swiftly drew the blade toward me and nicely severed the crotch of her panties right in two. I replaced the blade in its sheath and grabbed both her ankles. I REALLY woulda loved to suck that pussy untill she came so hard she couldnt move but, this wasnt about that this time. I pushed her legs back almost to where her wrists were secured and pulled my dickout of my fly. Oh my GOD I swear I had no idea this could excite me as much as it did. I know it was her fantasy but I was gonna owe her one....BIG TIME for this. I readied my cock at the opening of her pussy and just flat out slammed it in all the way. She grunted and shifted her ass, probably to accomodate me and frankly, I didnt care. I gave her only a few moments to adapt to my invasiveness and began to slam into her as hard and fast as I could. JESUS! This wasnt going to take long but I wanted to make sure she knew she had been fucked for damn sure. I managed to keep it up for only about 4 or 5 minutes and I filled her cunt with so much hot cum I could feel it squirting out around the base of my cock and oozing around my nuts like white lava.
As soon as my orgasm subsided I drew myself out of her and cupped my fingers under her opening. I wiped my hand up her slit and smeared the cupped handfull of cum I got onto her breasts and across her lips. Suck it up bitch. TASTE ME!!! she shuddered in repulse but I really didnt care. I had totally dominated my sexy little lover. I sat quietly a moment. Then I reached up and untied her right hand. As I stood to leave, I pulled my ski mask up over my eyes. Good night sexy ass. Consider yourself well raped. It was just me-never was really gonna hurt you, you know that now right? She looked at me with the revelation dawning on her of what had just transpired as I walked out of her room. "I trust you can untie the other side while I show myself out?"

CHAPTER ONE

Well, ok. here it is. The first "chapter" of probably 3 of my little sexual fantasy short story. Its really not to lacivious but reader be warned...the next chapter is already written and awaiting that final approval and once she says its ok...it'll be hare and it gets a bit steamier. Of course, the third installment is gonna be even better so...stay tuned. here goes.

CHAPTER ONE

What an adventure. I was so excited I could barely contain myself. All the way across the country on my Harley to meet a secret lover and I couldnt wait to have her at last in my arms. The premise for the whole meeting was incredibly arousing, let me go back in time a bit and explain how I had gotten to this point.
We were really just harmless internet friends and somehow we had began to escalate the content of our emails into a teasing, flirty content. As time evolved the nature of our friendship, I couldnt help but notice she had very innocously provided me with a couple seemingly innocent pieces of information. First, her and her "signifigant other" had just bought a new home and she sent me the MLS listing number to see her new home. I would assume that was just to show off her new house as she was rather proud of it, justifiably so, it was very nice. Then I noticed on the MLS page it included not only her exact address but even driving directions, right to her front door! What could THIS mean? Probably just that she hadnt realized she was giving such personal information to an unknown person but still, I had to wonder, after all- I am interested in this young lady.
All along in our correspondances, she had made no secret of the fact that her SO spent days at a time out of town on business, leaving her home alone but I noticed around the time she provided me with her address, she started giving me the exact dates that he wouldnt be home. I suppose in retrospect none of this meant much but as I stated before some of our emails had gotten a bit risque and she had allowed as to how one of her sexual fantasies involved being home alone and being raped by an intruder!!! Hmmm....I hadnt been able to resist and had worked questioning her about all this into our emails and she actually admitted that she had fostered the notion herself!! We even went so far as to set up a time when I could show up and not give her the exact date-after all, how shocking is a rape if one is expecting it?
Now the twist in my plan-she had told me her SO would be out of town the 14th thru the 20th and I had to tell her I simply couldnt be there before the 16th and the night of the 17th or 18th, maybe 19th (element of surprise ya know) would be best. Well, here it was the 14th and I had ridden past her house several times. It was a quiet neighborhood and in my favor I had the fact that they had just moved into this neighborhood-nobody knew yet what was normal traffic for their house. I really couldnt park my Harley in her driveway for the next plan I had so I retreated to the motel where I packed an overnight bag with a few "goodies: and called a cab.
He dropped me right at her front door and drove away, I headed to the back door like I knew exactly what I was doing, after all, I was dressed nicely and carrying an expensive leather bag. Last thing I looked like was a criminal. The backdoor was as I expected...a piece of cake to open without even showing a sign of forced entry. My bag had contained only a few items: A small hydraulic jack, handle and a few short lengths of 4 X 4. I used these to spread the door jamb just enough to allow the door to swing open invitingly and sauntered right in.
It was a very nice house and to be honest, I felt more than a bit awkward in someone elses home. I knew enough criminals to know most of their tricks but I certainley wasnt one myself. Her (their) room wasnt hard to locate. Only one with a made up bed big enough for two. I slipped up under the head of the bed and pulled a generic silk tie out of my pocket and firmly attached it to one side of the top rail of the bed where my little princess would soon be sleeping. After securing the other side the same way I quickly confirmed that there was no trace of my having been there nor were my restraints at all visible or likely to fall out into view. I went backout the backdoor and hid my bag in some undergrowth around the perimeter of the back yard where I lay down myself to await the excitement of the evening that was yet to come.....

Am I a sexual freak?

Well hey everybody (nobody?). I got a strange hang up I wanted to kinda put out there and see if anyone ever gives me any feedback on it. Ya ready for this? I can only achieve orgasm when I am actually inside my lover. And I dont mean orally either-especially orally. No hand jobs. No blow jobs. No toes or boobs-nothing. Never tried any other way but I'm sure there are others but I've seen no reason to explore since none of these have worked for me. OK....I'll be honest. There WAS a woman I was with about a year who DID bring me to orgasm twice orally but only with extreme effort. She said she sucked so hard it left hickeys on her lips and honestly the position we were in I think really would be considered more like I was fucking her mouth. It did feel great but not any better than her pussy would have been.
So. Any other guys out there experience this? Hmmph. Didnt think so. Kinda brings me to another sore spot actually. I have been with numerous women who I have let in on my little secret early on in the relationship and they ALL say the same thing ( or some minor variation of same)..." you just havent had somebody do it right( or good, whatever)" never works but interestingly, there have been several also who profess to "really enjoying doing it"...ahem.bullshit.ahem. Explain to me why it is then that (current case in point-my so) they never continue to try? Once or twice-no orgasm-never get em near it again. Dont get me wrong-it feels really good-just doesnt produce orgasm. In fact, I LOVE being woke up to that and she knows it. ONE FRIKKEN TIME IN TWO YEARS!!!! To me I guess the best way to describe it is that its like foreplay-leads to the good stuff but not the climax itself. Weird huh? If Jez is reading this I would LOVE her input on this...or anybodies for that matter.

In other news...I am proud to announce (almost) the release of my first sexual fantasy short story!!! Chapter one has been written and submitted to the final approver who didnt seem offended by it so, so far so good. Its a-gonna get a pretty good bit kinky so.......please standby....

Psychosis and preview....

Well hello anybody?? Had a couple things to write tonight. First- I wish to formally announce the upcoming release of a rather extensive sexual fantasy writing which will encompass MANY little "sub-fantasies". (key up that creepy voice that does movie previews) I am working on a tale (pun intended) that will incorporate a friends fantasy along with just a touch of what I believe is a bit of subdued kink of hers along with one of my fantasies which very nicely melds with hers and then has a surprise ending that is also one of my fantasies that I have written allusions to in this blog so...stay tuned. *this movie not yet rated* (that means she has to aprove it before it goes in here-the names will be changed to protect the innocent)
Now, onto my usual tirade. Has anybody seen the movie that is making the rounds online about how the bible and all things christian are actually astrological? It is amazing and I've only had time for the first 1/2 hour of it. Claims Christ is one of many "Sun-Gods" throughout history. Normally I would have dismissed this as coming from one who wasnt educated but this time the evidence is overwhelming. The guy narrating cites TONS of previous "Sun-Gods" who were documented in their time to have had an AMAZING amount of similarities to Jesus-ie: born of a virgin, traveled with disciples, performed miracles, died for beliefs, raised again on the third day etc etc etc. While that alone had my attention, the corelations of new testament events of Jesus' life tie in in an UN-FRIKKEN-CANNY way. I probably arent going to do this justice but its something like the astrological chart can be shorthand drawn to look like a cross with a circle in the center-the same way jesus was depicted in early art-there are 12 signs of zodiac-12 disciples, Jesus at the center. Even the events of his life coincide with astrology. life, death, rebirth. Man I am screwing this up so bad- WATCH THE MOVIE. zeitgist is what its called http://zeitgeistmovie.com/ More later.

people SUCK...maybe its society that SUCKS

I got to thinkin the other day about how the handful of people I personally know would react if they could read my blog and it was very daunting. It occured to me that I would be mocked, looked down upon, ridiculed even. PEOPLE SUCK!!! OK, well that was my initial thought but upon closer analysis of this situation I realized that most likely it wasnt the individuals per se' that was doing the proverbial sucking, it was them as a result of outside influences (A.K.A.-"society"). Why the hell should my views on sex and religion and even roles within the structure of society be deemed "wrong"??? Simply put, its what people have been programmed to accept and believe. I believe it was George Carlin who had a bit that went something like- " ok, so youre in a room. Its totally dark-cant see a thing when all of a sudden you run into another human being. The 2 of you start touching. Youre rubbing and touching and feeling and IT FEELS GOOD!!! You keep on rubbing and touching and now youre kissing and it feels REALLY GOOD-all of a sudden... WHAM!!!! Somebody turns on the lights and....your other person....IS THE SAME SEX AS YOU!!!!" SO FREAKIN WHAT!!???!! Didnt nature just teach you that the gender of the stimuli is not relevant to the reaction??? AH YES BUT... society just deemed you a faggot. You could be ruined for life. What a crock of shit. Rage against the machine man, rage against the machine!! Sincerely, if it feels good...DO IT!!!! And dont give me that bull shit about how it violates some biblical "law", lets remember who youre talking to- religiosity is my forte'. Say it and I'll run roughshod over you like you werent even there. WHAT?? You dared say it?? Ballsy little fucker arent ya? ( he rambles on, writing as if anyone would ever actually READ this drivel) soooo....concerned about this whole "sodomy thing" are we?? Worried about how The Almighty will frown upon it. WE ARE MEN!!! We cant allow ourselves to be violated in this manner-breaks laws of God and man. HAH!!! The rantings of the ignorant. Do a tiny bit of reasearch in biblical language and gee, big shock, you will ultimately discover the phrase we translated as "sodomy" originally referred to sex with YOUNG BOYS. (which I certainley DONT condone). What has happened here folks is that due to a lapse in ability to accurately translate that VERY specific term into something more fitting so it bacame "wrong" for men to be on "the recieving end". The "great" (ahem) apostle Paul furthered the male dominance through the church untill now we have it set up where only women can recieve sex in that way. Now it has become the norm and so if a guy wants anal stimulation he has to hide and do it himself, have an understanding open minded partner or be homosexual. How fucked up is THAT? People suck. Society has made people suck. HEY, I need some input from all 2 of my potential readers. Please? Youve read my little fantasy scenario I assume? I want to REALLY expand on that kind of writing but I would like to do it for a supplemental income. I have a really elaborate work in my head revolving around an out-of-town friend whos address I have and whos S.O. goes out of town(?) that I would like to put in here. Would SOMEBODY be willing to review it and let me know if its marketable and if so would they have any idea how to market it? I cant begin to tell ya how much it excites me to know I wrote something that excited somebody else. Almost orgasmic. comments welcome........

Sexuality...???

What is sexuality, I mean in the sense of the word as we use it in everyday life? This is the definition given by dictionary.com-

sex·u·al·i·ty /ˌsɛkʃuˈælɪti or, especially Brit., ˌsɛksyu-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sek-shoo-al-i-tee or, especially Brit., seks-yoo-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1.
sexual character; possession of the structural and functional traits of sex.
2.
recognition of or emphasis upon sexual matters.
3.
involvement in sexual activity.
4.
an organism's preparedness for engaging in sexual activity.

Somehow I feel its much, much more than this. To me the use seems to encompass an almost spiritual essence. It is embroiled deep within ones soul, their very being if you will. When I contemplate one who I feel exudes sexuality, it far surpasses anything in the physical realm. Perhaps Imerely am putting to much emphasis on the act itself. Strange stuff in my mind it is. Have you never seen someone who seems to just exude sexuality? I encounter these magnificent creatures in both sexes from time to time and God help, I want to be with them, almost as if I am a leach seeking to prey off whatever it is they have. Strickingly oddly however, I sense the same aura about myself but not in a full time capacity. It seems I can turn it on and off at will. I have exercised it at gatherings and found it to be effective enough that it almost always assures me of getting laid. Seems others can sense it also and better, they respond to it. Maybe I'm just micro-managing the definition down to such an exact aplication of the term it doesnt even seem to fit? I dont know but it ALWAYS interests me when someone uses the word "sexuality" in reference to themselves, I must know if they are using it in the broad, vague sense society seems to use it or in the deeper, spiritual, unexplainable sense I percieve it at. hmmm... maybe more another time.

Fantasy girl

Well hello again, fancy meeting you here. I dont feel like writing much tonight but I wanted to introduce you to my fantasy girl. I wont tell you her name, only that she fascinates me. Many are the reasons for the atttraction but combined they are overwhelming. She epitomizes sexuality in herself and in her allure. I cant say I love this woman, she is very much on my mind a great deal but I would love to hold her, to make love with her and I know myself-THAT is dangerous ground. I talk a good talk but when it comes to discerning between sex and love, I'm not so good. She has an open-mindedness about her, intelligent, witty-quite real. I have seen her picture and I find her physically attractive enough. Ah but, this may not be the proper venue for an introduction of this nature so perhaps I shall let this go....for now. I have some studying to do so I'd best use my computer time more prudently-farewell and, who knows who this woman may be?

cabin fever outside

Today marks the fourth day I've been cutting down fricken trees. Kinda tired of it. Odd because I used to really enjoy it. These are even the trees that I always enjoyed the most for the sheer spectacle of it. They were in between two houses and just a slight miscalculation or a sudden shift in wind and somebody woulda been finding out if Allstate really was the good hands people. Doind this kind of tree dropping its always the same, chainsaws fire up, neighbors look out their windows and before long you have drawn a small crowd. I guess its morbid curiosity, like Waylon Jennings said "some wanna see you fly, some wanna see you fall". Maybe I'm just being harsh. Maybe its just cool to watch a 50 foot tree fall. I dunno. Havent done it in a while and I was looking forward to it. I watched the first section of the first one fall and then it was all like old times. I would have my ground guy either on a guide rope or have the section tied off to my truck, make my cuts down to where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the pull was all it needed to drop and I just turn and walk away. There were 4 clusters of trees here, each one branching off into 2-4 more which then attained their height. I guess it was a total of agout 10-12 drops. I watched the first one and turned my back on the rest. Ego? Depression? Ambivelance? I dunno but I am almost done, just a load of wood to haul home and some yard clean up and its over. The guy has a couple trees on some other property he wants me to do for him. I dont think I want to. Its not fun anymore. We worked out a mutually beneficial deal on these-bank account didnt get at all offended and I got about a thousand dollard worth of really good firewood but honestly, if I were still "in the business" so to speak, I wouldnt have even considered dropping them for less than a couple thousand then we'd have to discuss the wood and cleanup part. Lotta liability and risk. Probably why I initially enjoyed it. Honestly, I had shimmied about 35-40 foot up one or 2 of them and I wasnt very comfortable. Its just not for me anymore. Need an apprentice about 25-26 years old. nah. Im done with this crap. Bad mood today. shouldnt a written at all.

Too liberal?

OK, THIS particular entry is gonna be a bit on the far side of "normal". I was kinda talking with someone earlier and we got on the topic of threesomes. NOOOoo...not like that, we were discussing it as to the dynamics and the stigmas and prejudices and preformed notions generally associated with them. I was encouraged somewhat to put some of my ideas here and so...heres some vulgarities relayed as tactfully as I can formulate. Why is it when men visualize a 3-some, its ALWAYS 2 females, one male? I have even heard the 2 types of cross gendered 3-somes reffered to as "the GOOD kind" and "the BAD kind". This sorta ties in with my beliefs about sex with any woman monagoumously. Why the hell does it have to be that way??? I mean, c'mon guys, where did it become sexy for a woman to indulge in another womans sexual pleasures but if its 2 men its "gay"and "wrong". That does NOT encompass sexual openmindedness-quite the contrary it personifies greed and lust from the male. Its like he is saying "so long as theres pussy, the more the merrier and thats OK" bullshit. I dont consider myself gay or bisexual but I certainley believe myself to be simply-SEXUAL. If it is in the realm of sex and you and your partner(or partners) enjoy it-have a ball-gender isnt the issue. How can a man be so narrow minded as to have as a favorite favor, oral sex(I cant tolerate it personally) and 'most' seem to be very hung up on on talking their lady into anal sex, but OH WAIT...."IM A MAN!!!!! YOU AINT PUTTIN ONE OF THOSE IN MY MOUTH AND YOU DAMN SURE AINT STICKIN ONE IN MY ASS"...double standard? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander? How can "he" say "oh c'mon...give it a try, you will like it once you get used to it."? Has HE tried it? If so...bring another fellow in bed with ya and just have a ball. "he" always wants a blow job. yay. oops oh wait again...he says he loves YOU and he wants YOU to do that for him but if he loves you and YOU wanted HIM to put one of those in HIS mouth how far ya reckon THAT idea would fly??? I think we have had way too many centuries of women being objectified and men being dominant. Not to say that if that is a role someone or someoneS are comfortable with, they shouldnt pursue it, just sayin-EXPLORE without prejudice. Here is kinda the best i can summarize this. LOVE is not sex but sex is a part of love-If someone is gay, they feel love for the same gender-fine-however if someone is merely an open-minded sexual person, it shouldnt matter WHAT the gender of the person they engage in sexual activity is. I may edit out this last closing statement because I fear nobody would truly understand it is MERELY A CONCEPT but- I could NEVER visualize myself holding hands for a walk on the beach at sunset with another man telling him I love him BUT I could possibly imagine a sexual tryst with a man purely for the physical gratification-my love will always go to a female though....and she thought the last one rambled on...HAH!

what am i doing here

hmmm. or, more appropriatley should I ask, what are any of us doing here. This promises to be one of the most mind numbing posts I have submitted to date. My mind is whirling around in a flux of clarity and confusion at the same time. I try so hard to not let my mind dwell on the things that plague me. HA! I even had a therapist once who pleaded with me to study no more in the venues of my interest. He said no offense but greater minds than yours have given their lives to understanding these things and never made it.
I guess this is going to be an ongoing discussion here in my little blog, perhaps I can even use it to organize my thoughts and theories and facts and finds. As good a place as any to start would probably be when I first recall realizing something was amiss. Seems funny now-the topics I find myself studying as a result of this initial "discovery". Ah well, perhaps as I write I can find the links that join the concepts? Maybe some reader sometime can?
I was a pretty serious bible student, in fact, it was even my aspiration to become a minister. I read the bible devoutly, being a voracious reader, I read it cover to cover....repeatedly in fact. I started with an old childrens illustrated bible when I was very young, my mother and sister would read it to me before I could even read myself. As a young adult, I recieved as a gift a New American Standard edition study bible. I had no idea at the time there were MANY "translations" of the good book or what that would come to mean to me. I devoured IT cover to cover...taking every word I read at face value, blindly. As time progressed, I became aware of the time honored King James Version and I remember not being particularly thrilled with reading it, the almost archaic wording, the "thees and thous" etc. When asked, I was told it was essentially the same, King James, out of love and respect for the Word of God had merely had it rewritten in a more poetic and beautifying tounge".
THATS when I began to become aware of the many translations. Well. Being me for who I am, wanting a greater understanding, undertook to read as many different translations as I could. Honestly, best I can recall, I have read at least 7-8 "versions" cover to cover and I have a pretty good working knowledge of at least 2-3 more. For what? Only to begin to realize there had been unanswered questions I had in the pit of my gut that NONE of them brought to fullfilment. I believe the first was regarding Melchizadek. Lively old fellow he was. Cursory examination shows mention of him in Hebrews(NT) and Genesis (OT) in both instances, he is HIGHLY esteemed, in fact, Abraham returning from battle paid tribute to him and in the unknown authorship of Hebrews the writer parallels him to Jesus. Pretty important figure wouldnt you say? So who the hell is he? Whered he come from? Whered he go? Howd he achieve this esteemed status? Unanswered. Bugged me. I found MANY such instances, in more serious study, I encountered the historical aspects of problems in scripture. There WAS in fact a reign of Qurinius and he did in fact rule the region BUT....his reign doesnt coincide with either the life of Jesus OR the call for a census as Luke tells us. Hmmm. SAY.... did ya ever wonder???? If Herod ordered the slaughter of the infants, the reason Joseph and Mary fled with the Christ-child, Why wasnt his cousin John the Babtist killed? Whered HE get off to? Mary and her relative Elizabeth (Johns mother) were pregnant at the same time. In Lukes recounting of the events, Mary visited Elizabeth during her pregnancy and Elizabeths child "leapt in her womb" at the presence of the unborn Christ child. How come only one of the four gospels makes mention of pretty damn scary, signifigant, MAJOR event that occured at the time of Jesus' death? I believe its Matthew who tells us " THE DEAD PROPHETS AROSE FROM THEIR GRAVES AND WALKED AROUND TESTIFYING" HOLY SHIT!!!! I think if I'd been around then, I'da taken note of THAT for sure....hey guys, check it out...zombie preachers. There were many other issues I wondered about and so I asked. I asked teachers, preachers, ministers, witnesses, anybody who proffesed to have a clue. I got damn tired of gettin the same answer from every one, every time...."Well son, there are just some things youre gonna have to accept on faith."
How would these MORONS feel if they would take the time to study even just a smidgen of REAL Hebrew or Greek or Arabaic, even Aramaic???? Would they realize that their precious english versions CLEARLY rendered Christ contradicting himself but in fact, the passages in question when studied HONESTLY reveal that Matthew, due to his proffesion wrote in HEBREW whereas the others in that period wrote in Greek and so when in one verse Jesus tells to DO as the Pharisees do but not think like em and yet in another he says DO NOT do as the pharisees do...come to find out...its a teeny, tiny little mark in the Hebrew writing, out of place that causes the contradiction. In fact, it makes perfect sense.
CRAP...I think I'm already getting my mind too wrapped up in confusing stuff...one last thought? Lets finish this on a sinister note shall we? This is the beginnings of some finds that threw me into a tizzy of paranoia. I understand to the uninitiated, this may seem trivial, believe me, its not. Its in fact, the tip of the iceberg.

A SINISTER PLOT UNCOVERRED???
This little gem is gonna require just a bit of foreknowledge and a bit of a stretch in the realm of "conspiracy theory". First, lets establish some timelines and referances. The American Standard Edition Bible has a claim to fame. Namely, it uses direct translation from the oldest known texts. And you thought they all did? HAH! (most are merely "refurbishings" of existing english texts, brought up to date in language usage) So? Why is this relevant? In Leviticus, there occurs an instance where 2 goats are in question. One is sacrificed for sins, the other released to "AZ'az'el". WTF??!!?? Who the hell is THAT? Oh well, never mind. The editors of the bibles, on your behalf, REMOVED that Personal Noun name and replaced it in ALL OTHER later versions. HUH? Why? NOW you get to take a ride on the wild side with me for a moment. There is a HUGE body of works, known as the PSUEDIPIGRAPHA. Whats THAT you may ask. OK, its a shitload of books that didnt make the cut into the canonized Old Testament Bible. SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE, SOMETIME decided for you and I that those books didnt need to be read. Why is this relevant? They contain some very ancient writings including "The Book of Enoch". Enoch reveals to us an much more indepth version of another story the bible only teases at- Genesis tells us in chapter 6 the sons of God (angels) saw the daughters of the sons of man, that they were beautiful and took them as wifes and had children with them. thats it. end of story(according to Genesis) ENOCH on the other hand, recounts the same tale EXCEPT he tells us EXACTLY what the angels did, what sacred forbidden knowledge they gave to man, how they were punished by God for these misdeeds and....uh huh...yup....no shit....THEIR NAMES!!!! Now, anybody wanna guess what the name of the little rebellious ringleader of angels name was??? anybody? anybody? Yes, you in the front row? VERY GOOD, YESSSS...."AZ'az'el". Why does this make a shit? Think about how Jesus exorcized demons. Even HE asked "What is your NAME?" of the demons he was about to exorcize. Until fairly recently, The Catholic Church trained their priests in the ritual of exorcism and one of the criteria for a succesful exorcism was in fact, identifying the demon. So...next we identify what a "fallen angel" is now? yup again. A demon. Now we gotta ask...well WHO the hell (pun intended) took the NAME of a demon OUT of the bible, and why???.... Seems that great Catholic church who no longer trains for exorcisms took that one out. Damndest thing. Didja know in fact, we have over SIXTY FIVE books of OLD TESTAMENT scripture alone that were edited out of the bible and at least TWENTY that "didnt make the cut" in the NEW TESTAMENT???? Thats just what we actually have managed to find and translate-who knows how many are lost forever? YOU my friend, when you read the Holy Bible are only reading what another man has decided FOR YOU that you should read. Go MUCH further and you find answers thought to be unexplained and unfortunatley, even more questions. shalom.

just another round of lyrics

well- what can i say. sometimes the words another has used say what i want to say far better than i can say it myself.

All my friends say,
I should leave you alone.
You got a heart like a stone,
And a wandering eye.
And I know that they're right.
I could make up my mind,
Not to see you again,
But you move through my dreams,
Like the wind.
It's not good to pretend,
It won't happen again.
'Cause it'll happen again.
Chorus:
Some fools never learn.
Play with the fire,
And you're gonna to get burned.
It's only love when you're loved in return.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn.
And baby I try,
But I'm just not that strong.
Guess I knew all along,
But that's not enough,
I was falling in love.
And you don't know it,
But I came over tonight,
There was somebody's car parked outside.
Damn my eyes.
Damn this heart of mine.
I drove off into the night.
Chorus:
Some fools never learn.
Play with the fire,
And you're gonna to get burned.
It's only love, when you're loved in return.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn.
--- Instrumental ---
Somewhere, in the city tonight,
There's a girl and she's lonely like me
She'll be easy to see,
And naturally
She'll have that look in her eyes
She'll be feeling that way.
I see it all plain as day.
Oh I'll never be,
What she wants me to be.
Oh, but lucky for me.
Chorus:
Some fools never learn.
Play with the fire and you're gonna to get burned
It's only love when you're loved in return.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn...

Please note- these lyrics DONT apply to me in the here and now- they are i believe much more suitable to the circumstance someone else finds themselve in. It just saddens me to know of her experience and i think this song empathizes it quite well.
HMMMM..... lyrics for me? ok, I have a few lines from a song that i think millions of people have heard and just brushed over but if you take the time to really contemplate them, they are quite deep and insightful. They fit me very well.

Them that dont know him wont like him,
and them that do sometimes wont know how to take him.
He aint wrong
he's just different
But his pride wont let him do things to make you think hes right.

OK. I am really tired of typing today. Maybe some new epiphany or revelation will reveal itself to me tomorrow. Byeeeeee.

fantasy

I couldnt believe my fortune. She was the girl of my dreams, at last- intelligent, educated, compassionate and considerate. Most physically appealling, she was petite also. We had exchanged correspondances for quite some time and I was told she did something I could not in recent memory recall encountering-she got "wet". Oh my God, what a turn on! Of course, it remained to be seen but as I rode the last miles into her town, it was all I could think of. We had a discreet little rendevous established-we were to meet at a motel on the outside of town, I had made the reservations and all I could concern myself with was "would she show up?" I arrived and checked in- I carried little luggage, only what I could pack on the bike and I was early. Anticipation I suppose. I showered and shaved and went down to the lounge to await my very special friend. Right on time. God she was a sight to behold. We talked and enjoyed a few drinks before moving our conversation to the restaraunt. Honestly, it was only a 1/2 decent meal but the company more than compensated for the culinary shortcomings. We discussed the election, some abstract views on religion and spirituality, her work and my school. It was evident we felt a sufficient amount of physical attraction to escalate our meeting to a more private arena. I asked if she felt like just kicking back and seeing what mindless drivel was being offered on the television in my room? We both knew this was merely an excuse to get her into my arms.
Funny but I dont recall even having turned the television on. We lay side by side on the bed and my hands gravitated to her body, our lips met and the kiss was deep and passionate. We moved close together and through our clothing we explored each other. She was already incredible-her body responded to my touch like a finely tuned performance car. I had to handle her with care, gently coaxing the response I wanted out of her. I knew instantly that a touch would have a reaction and it was my task to gauge the reaction and touch accordingly.
I dont know what cause me to decide this-shot in the dark? burning desire? intuition? Whatever the case, I stopped and asked her to stand. She looked at me quizzically. Was I overstepping my bounds? I had a feeling she was just a tiny bit sub but also, cusious enough to comply. I didnt order, I merely requested-"remove all your clothes". I think she was even a slight bit afraid but had grown to know me well enough that she knew I would never harm her and well, thats where we were headed anyway. She began removing her clothes for me and I slid off the bed. "what are you doing" she asked. "I want to see you" I replied-thats all-nothing more. She completed her disrobing and I stood...looking....admiring. I felt myself growing rock hard in my jeans but this wasnt my time, not yet. I walked a semicircle around her, taking it in. She was magnificent-beautiful. I moved in closer and began to slowly caress her war skin. I ran my hands over her shoulders and down her back. She was still leary I could tell so I began to lightly kiss her, first her lips, then moving down her neck and around to her back. My hands explored her body and she moved to do the same to me. Uh-uh. I want you. Only you. She was nearly quivering with excitement and anticipation as my fingers finally found their way to her warm moist center. She had not lied. She was wet and it was heavenly. She whispered to me to remove my clothes also but she didnt understand that I wanted to pleasure her first. I nearly physically moved her onto the bed, positioning myself over her, ok, I admit, I wanted to establish my position as dominant but at the same time I wanted her to not fear me, just allow herself to get lost in the moment. I kissed her deeply while one arm cradled her beneath me and the other explored her wetness. She was beginning to respond more and more to my touches and caresses as I slid a finger into her. I pushed gently on her g-spot and felt her body arch slightly at the pleasure. I moved my kisses down her body and her legs parted ever so slightly in anticipation. Mmm her pussy was so hat and wet when I got to it that I practically had to beg myself not to disrobe and take her in one solid thrust- I knew the excitement I would feel in myself when I brought her to climax was even sweeter so I waited. My tounge began a journey around her labia, kissing, sucking, licking-careful to NEVER directly contact her clitoris. That was comming soon enough. My finger worked slowly in and out of her, each time ever so gently but increasingly firmly on her g-spot, now I worked 2 fingers into my rythym and began to center my tounge onto her erct clitoris. It took me a few moments of guaging her responses and reactions to figure out what would bring my lover to orgasm, then it was a matter of rythym and exact spot. I felt her begin to tremble as her orgasm came on her like a warm wash of water. Yes baby, thats what I want from you. Cum for me baby, cum for me. As she reached the peak of her orgasm I sucked with a ferocity on her clitoris and held it, slowly releasing as I felt her tensed body subside. I moved into a kneeling position and removed my clothing as I did so. She was spent. Exhausted, but we were just beginning. I positioned myself at her dripping opening and allowed only the first bit of me into her, just enough so the head was on her spot. I leaned all the way over her and using my thighs I spread her wide. She looked at me, directly into my eyes and without warning but not so hard as to harm her, I entered her fully and completely, as I felt the bottom of her, our lips met once again. As deep as possible on either end, my tounge invading her mouth as my cock probed deeply into her. I wasnt interested in a quick hard fuck-oh no. I wanted this to be deep and passionate and I wanted it to last as long as possible- for a specific reason. We ground together like animals, never pulling far out of her, just trying as hard as we could for our 2 bodies to become one. As the fervence grew I began to pull further and further out, She was amazing, wet as a receptive lover should be and able to accomodate all of me which is a rarity unto itself. It became a mad passionate affair- slamming hard animal sex and as my cock exploded inside her I saw a brilliant flash of light and knew then and there she would forever be the greatest lover I have ever known. Totally spent, sweating and gasping for air I could not allow this to end. not here. not yet. I drew myself out of her and before she could reposition herself, I was back down at her fountain of nectar. She weakly argued against it but I knew her orgasm had subsided enough that she would cum again. This time I went directly to her clitoris, vigorously I assaulted it with my tounge, flicking it this way and that, knowing exactly what her spot was from our last encounter- moving to that spot I focused on it intently and felt her body respond in surrender to my attentions. She was completely soaked from herself and me and fingering her g-spot was a pleasure for both of us- I could feel her arise to the climax, faster than the first time, and never knowing whether her second time will be stronger or weaker than her first I brought my angelic goddes to climax once again. From here, it gets simplistic. I hole her in my arms, worried as always that I wasnt good enough for her. I try to shower her with my affections in hope of making up for some shortcoming, real or imagined. Where do we go from here. Another fantasy for another time? Wow. all that was inside me?

not sure whats in my mind

Well shit. I have been contemplating what to write here for about 3 days and well, ya know...best laid plans of mice and men b.s. right? Ok, I'll admit it, thats what this blog is all about now isnt it? Honesty, catharticism. For lack of a better phrase- "unloading crap out of 'me'". I read a blog the other day that did something very unusual to me. I got a fantasy out of it!!!! It actually, literally stimulated my mind into an errogenous little adventure that I truly didnt expect to be goin on. I was completely caught up in her body and the way it responded to stimuli and the effect that would have on me. Please, dont misinterpret- I didnt have a PERSONAL fantasy, I have no way or reason to think of this blog author in that fashion but somebody. Anybody. I wanted then to undertake composing an entry in my blog that would be suave and smooth and subtle to use it to relay a message to this other author- even if she never read it. Now the honest part. I chickened out. I bet I put the words together a thousand ways and a hundred thousand times. zip. Couldnt do it. I have already mentioned what a woman who gets wet when excited means to me. Am I THAT wrong? What person doesnt want to know their lover wants them? I guess I am just a cowardly needful creature. It was kinda sad...this little need I expect out of my lovers. Ya wann know the saddest part? I think I may have experienced it much more than I really recall, I was just VERY promiscous for a long time and it all kinda blurred together. I had lovers I dont even recall and most of those were in a fairly drunken haze. Probably had exactly what I want and let it go. Dumbass. So, on to my fantasy (or as brave as Ican be about it now) it occured to me that to proceed with ANY of my intended writings would or COULD have been an attempt at manipulation- again- NOT what I want of me. Guess for now I will just let it go...as much as I can...cant easily shake the visual from my mind. Think I'll go write an email to a friend/acquaintance thats a bit overdue. Laters.

Hi everybody...hello? HELLO hello ello ello llo llo lo lo oo Very strange. wrote some comments in here about how this song made me think of someones dillema but when i hit "publish" they disapearred. anyhow-heres a shot at editing

Addicted
Words And Music By:
Cheryl Wheeler

She says she hates to sleep alone but she'll do it tonight
She wants to grab her telephone but she knows it ain't right
So if he won't call she'll survive
And if he don't care she'll get by
Climb into bed bury her head and cry, cry
From the beginning he was all anyone could have been
They were delirious with love, they were certain to win
Now he's breaking plans more and more
And he's leaving notes on her door
'took a trip out of town, couldn't turn this one down'
He said 'I guess I should have told you before'

(Chorus)
She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing
She's always sitting, waiting wondering if the phone will ring
She knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string
It hurts to feel like such a fool
She wants to tell him not to call or come around again
He doesn't need her now at all the way that she needs him
She's on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in
And she don't know which way to move

She wants to be fair, she couldn't say he was ever unkind
But if she could bear to walk away, she thinks he wouldn't mind
'cause he just keeps himself so apart
And there's no one else in her heart
So she's taking a dive from an emotional high
And coming down hard

(interesting note here- this last verse wasnt included in the number one released recording some 20 years ago, The writer Cheryl Wheeler, says she doubts it would have been anumber one if it had been included. I like it. Makes one consider though-how leaving something out can sometimes make something much better than if it was there all along. hmmm just a thought)



She's determined to try, but she'll still give in when he gives her a call
And She'll ask herself why, but in the end it won't matter at all
Sure she could sit at home, stay inside
And sleep alone with her pride
And as she walks out her door, she feels as weak as before
With nothing to hide

Very therepeutic

Totally screwed off about 478.9 million things today that I really, REALLY should have been doing. I DID call the insurance guy-he wasnt in today so I proceeded to go to a meeting-nice day so I rode. Hmmm....oh yes. the meeting. Don't suppose I've mentioned it but I consider myself a "member" of Narcotics Anonymous. I havent touched anything in years and really dont see any way for that to become a factor in my life however, upon closer investigation into the program one finds many very beneficial side effects to working the steps. In particular I am fascinated by acouple things-aside from the closer relationship and understanding of "higher power"- the "fearless and searching moral inventory" and the "spiritual awakening". No bullshit here- I WANT THOSE. Character defect? so be it but I have a strong track record of getting what I want so....I imagine I have buried myself down so deep inside layers of charades and faces and dare I say it? Masks- that I barely know the real deep[ down me any longer. I view this step of the program as a way to break that down and meet myself. And who can not want a spiritual awakening? Between the two, it can only put me in a cleaner, clearer, more honest place from which to do what? Start the steps over again of course. Sound like a dog chasing its tail? Not even close. Follow me. The first time through, A confirmed manipulator of self and others will work these steps and hopefully reach a new level of honesty and awareness of self, setting up for a second round approached by a more honest, less manipulative being and so on and so forth until eventually the result of the steps is a very well grounded, honest individual, free of emotional baggage who knows themself very well. Its an amazing concept. Not just for the addict. But well, shall I even go there? What the hell, why not. My personal observation is that EVERYBODY is an addict. Some choose a substance, others an activity or another person or even a type of other person and this..."thing" becomes their obsession. Knitting? Sex? Petite women? Macho men? Candy? Its all signs of addictive behavior-some are fortunate in that their addiction is not harmful or illegal-yay for them. Still though there are certain character defects and erroneous thought procceses that point to an unhealthy person. I dont want any of those or at worst, as few as possible. I am at a point where drugs arent eve a consideration for me any longer-through my careers and hobbies they were plentiful and accepted as "normal"-I dont go to those playgrounds anymore and I dont have the same playmates anymore. Truckdriving, nursing, music-all dens of acceptance and tolerance for that stuff and "somehow" I gravitated toward all 3. c'est la vie. I'm retired now-my funds are drying up and its time to remake myself-as the butterfly from the cocoon I unveil myself to the world-new and better than ever. Didnt follow up on insurance. Didnt go to the college for financial aid. Didnt contact DVR for training assistance. Went for a ride. About 110 miles of state highways, just the feel of Milwaukee iron pumping the asphalt. Rode on..55-65 mph, occasionally, just for fun twisting it up to 85-90, then back down. Had one other bike post up with me at a stop light outside of town. We nodded. Light turned green and I screamed. Before I was across the intersection I was in 4th hitting 50. He must have thought I was a crazy asshole...or just an asshole. I wanted to ride alone. Very therepeutic.

stagnant-static-bummed

Well, today is a totally eneventful experience. Yay. I get to try to find a new insurance company for my suv, truck, bike and moms car. That fricken lizard raped me on the move to this area of town. Rates went up something outrageous like 25%. Ridiculous...I think I hate geckos. Havent heard from her in a couple days. Trying hard to remember that the world doesnt revolve around me. I have always had an issue with that I guess-probably why I always went above and beyond the call to insure that it did in fact revolve around me. It has always come as such a shock to me when a woman breaks up with me. This again is my fault, viewing it all in retrospect. I have gone out of my way to seek out the proverbial "damsel in distress" and rescue her. Then, as my doomed to failure plan always proceeds, I promptly put her on a pedastal, raise her up to heights shes never seen and then, once she is firmly implanted at a higher level of life, love, society, education etc.-she dumps me. I have NEVER been the one to be pursued. I have always been the pathetic moron calling, begging, crying, confering with dr.s and ministers to help me win "her" back. I feel like such a piece of shit. I feel used in the most unsavory way. I would almost rather be a raped abused woman than what I have been through. ( sorry nameless reader-horrid analogy, I know) I cant help but feel that way. Every time a relationship has ended...and I literally mean EVERYTIME, I have left with honestly nothing more than the clothes on my back. Yes, I have been homeless, yes, I have slept on the street, yes I have worked for a temp agency as I scratched and clawed my way back into the acceptance of society-only to meet a new someone, bring her along with me into the light of a better life and start the cycle all over again. I think maybe I am intimidated by a woman who doesnt "need" me. Maybe its a deviant form of "control freak" I doubt the latter because I make it a point to NOT control. I encourage outside lifes for any woman in my life, hell I even read the stupid morning paper advice columns to see what the esteemed Dear Abby warns women against so that I can keep myself in check against becomin one of those men. I believe its just that I need to be needed. Oddly, the thing I feel the women I've know needs, is independance. Quite the paradox isnt it? I find women who have nothing and know how to get anything and show them how to build accounts, how to invest, how to build credit ( I even insist they have credit in their own names-my father did that to my mother and when she divorced him she was FUCKED- in the business and banking world, she didnt exist-took her years to establish herself in those circles)-I show them the basics of following the economy to know when to "hold em and when to fold em"-when to put it in to cds and when mutual funds are a better bet, and of course sometimes if it looks REALLY bad (now) in gold, diamonds, guns and Harleys ( all rarely loose value AND you get to hold and keep them in your hot little hands AND in the event of total economic meltdown, all can be used as currency-well, maybe not the harley)then...*P*O*O*F*...they leave. Why am I rambling on about this? Hell, I dunno. This new woman I write to- WAY out of my league but she has shown me a glimpse of possibility in that perhaps I could find a woman who doesnt need me but merely WANTS me.....what a concept. At the heart of narcissim is of course insecurity- a big machismo, egotistical mask covering a scared little person. I cant believe I'm writing this. Maybe I should take my picture off. Whats the chance anybody will ever read this-slim to none and "slim" just left town...ok. I'll not mess with it. Maybe more next time I feel like barring my soul.

Aw geez. Now what have I done? Ive thought and over thought things half to death again. It really did start out so innocently. I saw her blog quite by accident and the words she wrote-the way she used them in a series-the imagery she conjured in my head with those words left me little shy of smitten. It was ignorance. On my part of course-sheer ignorance that led to me only reading the first page...how was I to know those things rolled back into older writings? The link that said "older posts"? IM A GUY!!!! Directions are a last resort when it just wont work. I compiled my own blog- as a means of experiencing this great "catharticism" of which she spoke-she was right- it was cleansing and somehow it DID feel good to unload a bunch of pent up junk...but...then I discovered "the link". Obviously I had been checking her blog regularly, to see how she was in absence of hearing from her and-ok, I admit, checking to see if any mention of me made it into her journal. There, once again I found myself only this time, armed with the "older posts" button. What I read in these older posts threw me for the proverbial loop. Not in a way one might imagine-oh no, it was ME not her. I know that sounds suspiciously like the worn, tired old relationship line but the fact was, what she had written made me feel guilty. The older posts contained topics regarding some pretty personal, physical stuff and honestly, if I had been looking for a site to read that would "arouse" me...this was it. Now in my own mind I was stuck. I found her intruiging but now I found her also to be arousing. I was emberassed to write to her anymore. I cant do that-she has dealt with enough men who stuff their feelings and leave her to assume the ensuing fallout. I will write to her today. Now it is like a challenge where before it flowed easily. I have to let her know that I was deeply moved (on a much more primal basis) by these earlier writings than I expected to find myself BUT most importantly I cannot leave her feeling like my stupid akwardness is attributed to her. In this instance, it truly is "me-not you". How can I convince her( like I would ever need to discuss it with her) that I have NEVER had a woman who got wet from things I said to her? That has broken MY heart on several occasions-my thoughts? A woman can know from certain physical changes in MY body that she has sexually arroused ME- alas...I've never been with a woman (since high school) whos body showed me she wanted me in that way. That excites the hell out of me. How can I tell her that to ME the sexiest thing in the WORLD is a woman having an orgasm? The sweet feeling of knowing YOU caused her to be in that state of total abandon and the way she collapses, exhausted and spent into your arms afterwards. Sometimes I dont even care to come myself when it has been that good for a woman, its just not neccesary-why does sex so often have to be about HIM having an orgasm? I understand the procreation crap but c'mon now...whos trying to procreate in this scenario? Its all about giving the other person the ultimate physical sensation and nobody has written in stone it has to be him-him first-only him, or even BOTH- why the hell NOT just her? How many centuries have women given us their bodies to use for our pleasure and just accepted what we gave them? FUCK THAT!!! now you see why it was her writings threw me off so badly...it was as if we were on the same page of a very personal conversation- without ever having met. I didnt want to try to convince her that what I was saying was true of me because now, having read her older posts it would so easily sound lame, like a programmed response to what she said. I was dead in the water. I WILL email her again. If only to ask that she read this posting of mine then, if she believes me and SHE wishes to continue our "conversation", then so be it-until then, I just feel like for me to pursue it would be giving the wrong impression. I really dont ever want her to think the things I wiould inevitably say to her eventually are some line of crap I put out there just to illicit a response from her- she has dealt with enough manipulators and I refuse to be just another one.

What a narcissistic jerk

Wow- I cant believe how easy it was to pour out like this. Ah, the anonymity of the internet huh? Now I cant tell if I wrote so much because I am so hung up on myself or because I have kept so much inside for so long any avenue of release is welcome? Either way, the keyboard drones on and my guts spill for all to see. I just realized, in analyzing my previous post, I really didnt say much personally. It was all rather subjective lamentations about my existance. I really do question myself in the arena of narcissism. At times I feel I have the most tremendous ego, at others I really dont know how or why anyone would like or give credit to me for anything. My accomplishments are certainly many and on jobs I have always risen to the top very quickly. I was always the supervisor, foreman, manager etc. but I feel truly unqualified for any of those positions I held. I am not a "manly man" by most any measure. Secret? I dont even know how football is played. Actually, the same is true for all sports-not a clue. Never even watched an entire game of any sport let alone knew what the hell those guys were doing out there. I lie a lot and say its because I'm so very non-competative but the truth is I compete viciously in things that matter to me. I dont hunt or fish- I havent a clue how to fix a car. I'm not into racing or anything "guy" oriented. I am however a helluva cook and I love putting together dinners for moderatley sized dinner parties. A moment of extreme vulgarity if you please dear reader- If I didnt love pussy so much I might wonder about my sexual orientation. My appetite in that area leaves no doubt though. I have a most insatiable appetite in fact-its always been a bone of contention to me in relationships that I cant find a woman who appreciates and shares my desires for frequency. I am very...."constructionally inclined" to coin a phrase (?) I build and repair things around the house a lot. I recently threw in every penny of my remaining assets and inheritance with every penny my mother could muster and we bought a horribly decrepit old house together-just her and I. I worked on it for 4 months and YAY!!! not only is a fairly nice home now for the two of us to live in, it appraised at almost twice what we paid for it. I dont spend all my time here. I still refer to it as "my parents house"- it very much is NOT. The only people on the title to this house are my mother and I-its out of respect for her and my step-father that I use that terminology. We have mutual quit-claims on it exclusive of any other claims anybody may have on it. I hang out with "jim" a lot. He is a mess. EXTREME alcoholic-kinda my "taken under my wing" project. Guess I will be here mostly for a while-he recieved some "reality therapy" from me yesterday and hes kinda super pissed at me now. Hes one of only 2 friends I really claim. The other will be here tomorrow to take my bike out. I severely injured myself this past Sunday. Cuttin firewood and the chainsaw slipped. After 6 hours and MANY attempts at stopping the bleeding I had to concede it was beyond my medical training. Bunch of stitches, painkillers and antibiotics but doc says no motorcycle riding for a pouple weeks. It had already sat for a week due to the cold, now it HAS to run or the battery will die so "john" is gonna come run it for about an hour. He is positively orgasmic and I can stand the thought of someone else on my bike....lesser of 2 evils i s'pose. I am 6' tall, usuall wear boots-not now...kinda hurts lol- my weight fluctuates dramatically between 180 and 210. I have very dark green eyes but they can pale to a dark blue or darken to almost black depending on apperal and circumstance. Im not one of those grossly hairy guys who has to shave their back (thank God..ewwww) but, I have no lack of hair either. My forhead is the same size it was in high school and my hair is just as thick as it was then. I am kinda unique in that I can blend well in many different environments-with quite a varied crowd. I have enough education that I can hold my own in an itellectual group but I'm blue-collar enough that the guys down at the corner bar know better than to cross me much. What an enigma. I cant stand violence but I have taken a few years of kick-boxing and Im startlingly flexible and fast. Im decidedly not homosexual but I abhor most things stereotypically "manly". I really dont think I'm competative but given the right reward and circumstance and I will crush a competitor like a bug to get to the top. I dont go for show but my bike shines at all times and the knowing eye will detect at least 3 thousand dollars worth of clothing and accesories on my rather humble looking back at any point in time. I really like that part. When an uneducated, unknowing individual looks at me and just sees some "bling" but the right person looks and immediatley knows..."the diamonds are real-the boots are handmade-the leather is top-grade-even the zippo isnt stock" hmmm....an epiphany? Just occured to me the crowd most likely to recognize those features would be the old truck drivers i so idolized. We work hard, play hard-make good money and spend it well.....hell, i dunno. therapist? For some funny reason the expression "physician, heal thyself" comes to mind. And what the hell is with the "genius" bullshit. I do have a technically "genius IQ" but what kinda dickhead posts that in their blog??...done for now. byeeeeee.

Mindless ramblings of a genius(?)

Well, this is my first attempt at something relatively public on the great world wide web. I am doing this for a couple reasons. I think it will (could) be therepeutic and I want to show another person a look at me, should they be so inclined to view my rants, raves, thoughts, feelings and ideas. Where to start? How about the here and now with some glimpses into the past? I sit here preparing to go back to school after a considerable period of academic activity. My reasons for doing so? Not sure. Maybe I need to prove to myself my abilities. Maybe I just need a dramatic change from the rest of my life prior to the discontent that has ensued the past 2 years or so. All my life as a child I had but one dream. I wanted to drive "the big trucks". My father was a diesel mechanic who owned a large very succesful shop located on our land in the north valley of Albuquerque, New Mexico. This meant 2 things to me as a child. First I was exposed to the trucks and I was exposed to the drivers. My father was a very abusive alcoholic but in my best interest I suppose he insisted I never learn the first thing about "twisting a wrench" as he called it. Wanted me to have a better life than he had. I still loved the trucks and being blessed with a freakishly high IQ, I quickly endeared myself to the truck drivers who would hang around, waiting on their repairs. They became my idols. Now more than ever I simply HAD to become a truck driver. Before I was out of high school a past employee of my fathers had bought some trucks (car haulers) and gone into his own venture. As soon as I had my first license he came to me one weekend and said he had a load of 9 cars going down to El Paso, Tx but the truck would only carry 8, would I be interested in driving the car down there, riding back in the truck for the freight charge on the car- less gas and oil?.... HELL YEAH!!!! The rest is (broken) history. As soon as I could get my class 7 license ( In state only-truck license back then) I did so (18 yrs old) and as soon as I hit 21 I went through a quick course to verify I knew what I was doing and for the next 7 years I didnt even have a home address- somewhere between New York and L.A. at all times. My parents were devastated. My father begged me to quit and he would pay my books and tuition and allow me to live for free at home if I would go to school for law or medicine. I did give the latter a fair albeit brief attempt, but was soon married with a child on the way and mouths to feed dictated I be on my way. So be it. Over the next ten or so years I really did try to quit driving. Mostly at lovers and girlfriends insistance. I went to school for a while and became a certified nurse-tech in a cardio-thoracic step down unit of a large hospital. The money was pretty good but by this time I had also taken some classes toward business management ( found out associates degree-entry level managers made about half what I made-screw that) and a few classes in accounting-(found out THAT was a saturated market around here-screw that too). Being a fairly bright lad I combined several of my skills and landed a very lucrative driving job hauling a mobile magnetic resonance imaging unit, just in state to small hospitals. It was great and as I said, pretty well paying, especially for these parts. Company went under in about 16 months. Larger corporation came in with better equipment and more of it and we couldnt compete. OK....DARK, HONEST time. Geeee....go figure...SOMEHOW, it academia and truck driving, I became exposed to amphetamines. Ahhh. love at first sight. But only to excess as is my nature. This became quite a problem for me until it escalated to the point of lunacy for a while. I was blessed during my sane periods to have invested wisely, worked for companies with great retirement pakages and really, by my mid 30s I didnt HAVE to work at all if I didnt want to. Amphetamines were plentiful and I had the business skills and connections to make a prosperous little enterprise out of my resources. Didnt count on the variable- and I of all people should know that even a very minor variable in any equation GREATLY affects the outcome. I had married and we were together 10 years. She was a waitress when I met her but she looked like Barbie-only a bit bigger. No education. No refinement, no exposure to any of lifes even most subtle fineries. I enlightened her and she was thrilled. I never saw that I had bought her love. That I had only fallen for her beauty and she had only fallen for my money. We owned a brand new custom built home, well out of town and the brand new car and brand new pick-up our image dictated we have. All the ammenities life could afford our upper middle income existence. I had undertaken the idea of owning a landscape design and installation company, cash under the table money and I clearly had no idea how large that would get nor how quickly. My last year in busineess before the tragic demise of my world I grossed over 250,000 in business and kept 3 full time and 2 part time employees. Life was good- WAY good. So was the dope. WAY GOOD. The wife was doing as much as I was and all I cared about was keeping the jobs bid, the checks cashed, the dope in and the cash made. One fine afternoon I recieved the most unpleasant visit I think anyone could ever have. The gentlemen of the D.E.A., State Police S.W.A.T. team, County police all showed up on the heels of a "flash-bang" grenade through my front picture window. After several months of indirect intervention from family and "friends" (ie: nobody would bail me out) I slowly learned to awful truth of the matter....my WIFE had gone to work for the police as an undercover informant. She was HAVING AN AFFAIR with a cop!!!! Initially they threatened to charge me with a list of crimes that quite frankly, had me planning suicide. I was looking at 28 years to life. ( I had some explosives) Eventually when all the hoopla settled down, EIGHT MONTHS of awaiting trial, later, my attorney assured me they were not interested in incarcerating me and the D.A. offered a "zero-to-three" plea aggreement, meaning the most I could possibly do would be the 3 yrs and since I hadnt hurt anybody I would get 1/2 off my sentance. I accepted, again assured the D.A. would NOT specifically ask for any time on sentancing day. He didnt. The wife showed up and asked to speak- swore I was " such a raving, psychotic lunatic her and her whole family were afraid to sleep at night unless they called the jail to ensure I was safely behind bars". I got the three years. However, in NM they deduct your time awaiting trial right off the top then I got my sentance cut in half for not being a violent offender PLUS I participated in some educational and therepeutic programs while incarcerated that knocked it all down to just a year, which I "served" in a minimum security facility so it wasnt horrible-honestly it was awhole lot like summer camp with REAL dickheads for counselors. EVERYTHING however was lost...I dont know to this day what was in her head-no evidence of problems or issues inour relationship-ALL material possesions are gone. She told my mother she would pack my stuff and bring it to my mothers house-never happened. Got notice the house was foreclosed, car and truck were repossesed. Been out for two years now. Glad to say I am VERY MUCH RETIRED. I am rebuilding my life, piece by piece. I now own an older pick-up truck, but its now paid off in full. Runs great and is worth almost twice what I paid for it. Have had to pay off a lot of bills that were left to rot my credit in order to rebuild. I am pulling it back together despite the fact that I feel I have no motivation for doing so. I guess I just hate to lose. I have credit cards again. I keep the balances very low. That way if I need them, I have the whole line available plus if I have to, I can pay them totally of and it wont hurt. I have financed a used but very much newer SUV. Never really cared for them much but its nice. Mazda Tribute 4 X 4. Also just financed a brand new Harley Davidson. Always wanted one but I always put the more realistic needs of family and work ahead of getting one. Thats not an issue at this moment. I am finally, for the first time in my life, living for ME. And, its scary. I dont know what I want. I am not even certain I know how to figure OUT what I want. I have always had to balance what I did for a living with the compensation and the requirements of a "family" (not always married, but I dont view it that way, when I'm with someone, they and their children are my responsibility and I dont take that lightly) now I can go, do, be- anything I want...just for me. I am pretty sure I am going to follow through with the therapist thought. I have a friend who has his B.A. and has offered to assist me in gaining an internship working with him if I can get the required credits in the right fields. All my credits (not many) wont apply so its back to square one. I am free to move and terrified of moving. I have a friend. Her problems concern me. I doubt she will read this and Im not sure I should call her "friend". Aquaintance? A most unusual circumstance there. I am really on foreign soil and will have to "wait till next weeks episode" to see how that all turns out- I just hope she is safe and happy...at least content. More some other time I guess. Anyone who has read THIS far MUST be as bored as me right now. sorry.