just another round of lyrics

well- what can i say. sometimes the words another has used say what i want to say far better than i can say it myself.

All my friends say,
I should leave you alone.
You got a heart like a stone,
And a wandering eye.
And I know that they're right.
I could make up my mind,
Not to see you again,
But you move through my dreams,
Like the wind.
It's not good to pretend,
It won't happen again.
'Cause it'll happen again.
Chorus:
Some fools never learn.
Play with the fire,
And you're gonna to get burned.
It's only love when you're loved in return.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn.
And baby I try,
But I'm just not that strong.
Guess I knew all along,
But that's not enough,
I was falling in love.
And you don't know it,
But I came over tonight,
There was somebody's car parked outside.
Damn my eyes.
Damn this heart of mine.
I drove off into the night.
Chorus:
Some fools never learn.
Play with the fire,
And you're gonna to get burned.
It's only love, when you're loved in return.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn.
--- Instrumental ---
Somewhere, in the city tonight,
There's a girl and she's lonely like me
She'll be easy to see,
And naturally
She'll have that look in her eyes
She'll be feeling that way.
I see it all plain as day.
Oh I'll never be,
What she wants me to be.
Oh, but lucky for me.
Chorus:
Some fools never learn.
Play with the fire and you're gonna to get burned
It's only love when you're loved in return.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn.
Some fools never learn...

Please note- these lyrics DONT apply to me in the here and now- they are i believe much more suitable to the circumstance someone else finds themselve in. It just saddens me to know of her experience and i think this song empathizes it quite well.
HMMMM..... lyrics for me? ok, I have a few lines from a song that i think millions of people have heard and just brushed over but if you take the time to really contemplate them, they are quite deep and insightful. They fit me very well.

Them that dont know him wont like him,
and them that do sometimes wont know how to take him.
He aint wrong
he's just different
But his pride wont let him do things to make you think hes right.

OK. I am really tired of typing today. Maybe some new epiphany or revelation will reveal itself to me tomorrow. Byeeeeee.

fantasy

I couldnt believe my fortune. She was the girl of my dreams, at last- intelligent, educated, compassionate and considerate. Most physically appealling, she was petite also. We had exchanged correspondances for quite some time and I was told she did something I could not in recent memory recall encountering-she got "wet". Oh my God, what a turn on! Of course, it remained to be seen but as I rode the last miles into her town, it was all I could think of. We had a discreet little rendevous established-we were to meet at a motel on the outside of town, I had made the reservations and all I could concern myself with was "would she show up?" I arrived and checked in- I carried little luggage, only what I could pack on the bike and I was early. Anticipation I suppose. I showered and shaved and went down to the lounge to await my very special friend. Right on time. God she was a sight to behold. We talked and enjoyed a few drinks before moving our conversation to the restaraunt. Honestly, it was only a 1/2 decent meal but the company more than compensated for the culinary shortcomings. We discussed the election, some abstract views on religion and spirituality, her work and my school. It was evident we felt a sufficient amount of physical attraction to escalate our meeting to a more private arena. I asked if she felt like just kicking back and seeing what mindless drivel was being offered on the television in my room? We both knew this was merely an excuse to get her into my arms.
Funny but I dont recall even having turned the television on. We lay side by side on the bed and my hands gravitated to her body, our lips met and the kiss was deep and passionate. We moved close together and through our clothing we explored each other. She was already incredible-her body responded to my touch like a finely tuned performance car. I had to handle her with care, gently coaxing the response I wanted out of her. I knew instantly that a touch would have a reaction and it was my task to gauge the reaction and touch accordingly.
I dont know what cause me to decide this-shot in the dark? burning desire? intuition? Whatever the case, I stopped and asked her to stand. She looked at me quizzically. Was I overstepping my bounds? I had a feeling she was just a tiny bit sub but also, cusious enough to comply. I didnt order, I merely requested-"remove all your clothes". I think she was even a slight bit afraid but had grown to know me well enough that she knew I would never harm her and well, thats where we were headed anyway. She began removing her clothes for me and I slid off the bed. "what are you doing" she asked. "I want to see you" I replied-thats all-nothing more. She completed her disrobing and I stood...looking....admiring. I felt myself growing rock hard in my jeans but this wasnt my time, not yet. I walked a semicircle around her, taking it in. She was magnificent-beautiful. I moved in closer and began to slowly caress her war skin. I ran my hands over her shoulders and down her back. She was still leary I could tell so I began to lightly kiss her, first her lips, then moving down her neck and around to her back. My hands explored her body and she moved to do the same to me. Uh-uh. I want you. Only you. She was nearly quivering with excitement and anticipation as my fingers finally found their way to her warm moist center. She had not lied. She was wet and it was heavenly. She whispered to me to remove my clothes also but she didnt understand that I wanted to pleasure her first. I nearly physically moved her onto the bed, positioning myself over her, ok, I admit, I wanted to establish my position as dominant but at the same time I wanted her to not fear me, just allow herself to get lost in the moment. I kissed her deeply while one arm cradled her beneath me and the other explored her wetness. She was beginning to respond more and more to my touches and caresses as I slid a finger into her. I pushed gently on her g-spot and felt her body arch slightly at the pleasure. I moved my kisses down her body and her legs parted ever so slightly in anticipation. Mmm her pussy was so hat and wet when I got to it that I practically had to beg myself not to disrobe and take her in one solid thrust- I knew the excitement I would feel in myself when I brought her to climax was even sweeter so I waited. My tounge began a journey around her labia, kissing, sucking, licking-careful to NEVER directly contact her clitoris. That was comming soon enough. My finger worked slowly in and out of her, each time ever so gently but increasingly firmly on her g-spot, now I worked 2 fingers into my rythym and began to center my tounge onto her erct clitoris. It took me a few moments of guaging her responses and reactions to figure out what would bring my lover to orgasm, then it was a matter of rythym and exact spot. I felt her begin to tremble as her orgasm came on her like a warm wash of water. Yes baby, thats what I want from you. Cum for me baby, cum for me. As she reached the peak of her orgasm I sucked with a ferocity on her clitoris and held it, slowly releasing as I felt her tensed body subside. I moved into a kneeling position and removed my clothing as I did so. She was spent. Exhausted, but we were just beginning. I positioned myself at her dripping opening and allowed only the first bit of me into her, just enough so the head was on her spot. I leaned all the way over her and using my thighs I spread her wide. She looked at me, directly into my eyes and without warning but not so hard as to harm her, I entered her fully and completely, as I felt the bottom of her, our lips met once again. As deep as possible on either end, my tounge invading her mouth as my cock probed deeply into her. I wasnt interested in a quick hard fuck-oh no. I wanted this to be deep and passionate and I wanted it to last as long as possible- for a specific reason. We ground together like animals, never pulling far out of her, just trying as hard as we could for our 2 bodies to become one. As the fervence grew I began to pull further and further out, She was amazing, wet as a receptive lover should be and able to accomodate all of me which is a rarity unto itself. It became a mad passionate affair- slamming hard animal sex and as my cock exploded inside her I saw a brilliant flash of light and knew then and there she would forever be the greatest lover I have ever known. Totally spent, sweating and gasping for air I could not allow this to end. not here. not yet. I drew myself out of her and before she could reposition herself, I was back down at her fountain of nectar. She weakly argued against it but I knew her orgasm had subsided enough that she would cum again. This time I went directly to her clitoris, vigorously I assaulted it with my tounge, flicking it this way and that, knowing exactly what her spot was from our last encounter- moving to that spot I focused on it intently and felt her body respond in surrender to my attentions. She was completely soaked from herself and me and fingering her g-spot was a pleasure for both of us- I could feel her arise to the climax, faster than the first time, and never knowing whether her second time will be stronger or weaker than her first I brought my angelic goddes to climax once again. From here, it gets simplistic. I hole her in my arms, worried as always that I wasnt good enough for her. I try to shower her with my affections in hope of making up for some shortcoming, real or imagined. Where do we go from here. Another fantasy for another time? Wow. all that was inside me?

not sure whats in my mind

Well shit. I have been contemplating what to write here for about 3 days and well, ya know...best laid plans of mice and men b.s. right? Ok, I'll admit it, thats what this blog is all about now isnt it? Honesty, catharticism. For lack of a better phrase- "unloading crap out of 'me'". I read a blog the other day that did something very unusual to me. I got a fantasy out of it!!!! It actually, literally stimulated my mind into an errogenous little adventure that I truly didnt expect to be goin on. I was completely caught up in her body and the way it responded to stimuli and the effect that would have on me. Please, dont misinterpret- I didnt have a PERSONAL fantasy, I have no way or reason to think of this blog author in that fashion but somebody. Anybody. I wanted then to undertake composing an entry in my blog that would be suave and smooth and subtle to use it to relay a message to this other author- even if she never read it. Now the honest part. I chickened out. I bet I put the words together a thousand ways and a hundred thousand times. zip. Couldnt do it. I have already mentioned what a woman who gets wet when excited means to me. Am I THAT wrong? What person doesnt want to know their lover wants them? I guess I am just a cowardly needful creature. It was kinda sad...this little need I expect out of my lovers. Ya wann know the saddest part? I think I may have experienced it much more than I really recall, I was just VERY promiscous for a long time and it all kinda blurred together. I had lovers I dont even recall and most of those were in a fairly drunken haze. Probably had exactly what I want and let it go. Dumbass. So, on to my fantasy (or as brave as Ican be about it now) it occured to me that to proceed with ANY of my intended writings would or COULD have been an attempt at manipulation- again- NOT what I want of me. Guess for now I will just let it go...as much as I can...cant easily shake the visual from my mind. Think I'll go write an email to a friend/acquaintance thats a bit overdue. Laters.

Hi everybody...hello? HELLO hello ello ello llo llo lo lo oo Very strange. wrote some comments in here about how this song made me think of someones dillema but when i hit "publish" they disapearred. anyhow-heres a shot at editing

Addicted
Words And Music By:
Cheryl Wheeler

She says she hates to sleep alone but she'll do it tonight
She wants to grab her telephone but she knows it ain't right
So if he won't call she'll survive
And if he don't care she'll get by
Climb into bed bury her head and cry, cry
From the beginning he was all anyone could have been
They were delirious with love, they were certain to win
Now he's breaking plans more and more
And he's leaving notes on her door
'took a trip out of town, couldn't turn this one down'
He said 'I guess I should have told you before'

(Chorus)
She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing
She's always sitting, waiting wondering if the phone will ring
She knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string
It hurts to feel like such a fool
She wants to tell him not to call or come around again
He doesn't need her now at all the way that she needs him
She's on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in
And she don't know which way to move

She wants to be fair, she couldn't say he was ever unkind
But if she could bear to walk away, she thinks he wouldn't mind
'cause he just keeps himself so apart
And there's no one else in her heart
So she's taking a dive from an emotional high
And coming down hard

(interesting note here- this last verse wasnt included in the number one released recording some 20 years ago, The writer Cheryl Wheeler, says she doubts it would have been anumber one if it had been included. I like it. Makes one consider though-how leaving something out can sometimes make something much better than if it was there all along. hmmm just a thought)



She's determined to try, but she'll still give in when he gives her a call
And She'll ask herself why, but in the end it won't matter at all
Sure she could sit at home, stay inside
And sleep alone with her pride
And as she walks out her door, she feels as weak as before
With nothing to hide

Very therepeutic

Totally screwed off about 478.9 million things today that I really, REALLY should have been doing. I DID call the insurance guy-he wasnt in today so I proceeded to go to a meeting-nice day so I rode. Hmmm....oh yes. the meeting. Don't suppose I've mentioned it but I consider myself a "member" of Narcotics Anonymous. I havent touched anything in years and really dont see any way for that to become a factor in my life however, upon closer investigation into the program one finds many very beneficial side effects to working the steps. In particular I am fascinated by acouple things-aside from the closer relationship and understanding of "higher power"- the "fearless and searching moral inventory" and the "spiritual awakening". No bullshit here- I WANT THOSE. Character defect? so be it but I have a strong track record of getting what I want so....I imagine I have buried myself down so deep inside layers of charades and faces and dare I say it? Masks- that I barely know the real deep[ down me any longer. I view this step of the program as a way to break that down and meet myself. And who can not want a spiritual awakening? Between the two, it can only put me in a cleaner, clearer, more honest place from which to do what? Start the steps over again of course. Sound like a dog chasing its tail? Not even close. Follow me. The first time through, A confirmed manipulator of self and others will work these steps and hopefully reach a new level of honesty and awareness of self, setting up for a second round approached by a more honest, less manipulative being and so on and so forth until eventually the result of the steps is a very well grounded, honest individual, free of emotional baggage who knows themself very well. Its an amazing concept. Not just for the addict. But well, shall I even go there? What the hell, why not. My personal observation is that EVERYBODY is an addict. Some choose a substance, others an activity or another person or even a type of other person and this..."thing" becomes their obsession. Knitting? Sex? Petite women? Macho men? Candy? Its all signs of addictive behavior-some are fortunate in that their addiction is not harmful or illegal-yay for them. Still though there are certain character defects and erroneous thought procceses that point to an unhealthy person. I dont want any of those or at worst, as few as possible. I am at a point where drugs arent eve a consideration for me any longer-through my careers and hobbies they were plentiful and accepted as "normal"-I dont go to those playgrounds anymore and I dont have the same playmates anymore. Truckdriving, nursing, music-all dens of acceptance and tolerance for that stuff and "somehow" I gravitated toward all 3. c'est la vie. I'm retired now-my funds are drying up and its time to remake myself-as the butterfly from the cocoon I unveil myself to the world-new and better than ever. Didnt follow up on insurance. Didnt go to the college for financial aid. Didnt contact DVR for training assistance. Went for a ride. About 110 miles of state highways, just the feel of Milwaukee iron pumping the asphalt. Rode on..55-65 mph, occasionally, just for fun twisting it up to 85-90, then back down. Had one other bike post up with me at a stop light outside of town. We nodded. Light turned green and I screamed. Before I was across the intersection I was in 4th hitting 50. He must have thought I was a crazy asshole...or just an asshole. I wanted to ride alone. Very therepeutic.

stagnant-static-bummed

Well, today is a totally eneventful experience. Yay. I get to try to find a new insurance company for my suv, truck, bike and moms car. That fricken lizard raped me on the move to this area of town. Rates went up something outrageous like 25%. Ridiculous...I think I hate geckos. Havent heard from her in a couple days. Trying hard to remember that the world doesnt revolve around me. I have always had an issue with that I guess-probably why I always went above and beyond the call to insure that it did in fact revolve around me. It has always come as such a shock to me when a woman breaks up with me. This again is my fault, viewing it all in retrospect. I have gone out of my way to seek out the proverbial "damsel in distress" and rescue her. Then, as my doomed to failure plan always proceeds, I promptly put her on a pedastal, raise her up to heights shes never seen and then, once she is firmly implanted at a higher level of life, love, society, education etc.-she dumps me. I have NEVER been the one to be pursued. I have always been the pathetic moron calling, begging, crying, confering with dr.s and ministers to help me win "her" back. I feel like such a piece of shit. I feel used in the most unsavory way. I would almost rather be a raped abused woman than what I have been through. ( sorry nameless reader-horrid analogy, I know) I cant help but feel that way. Every time a relationship has ended...and I literally mean EVERYTIME, I have left with honestly nothing more than the clothes on my back. Yes, I have been homeless, yes, I have slept on the street, yes I have worked for a temp agency as I scratched and clawed my way back into the acceptance of society-only to meet a new someone, bring her along with me into the light of a better life and start the cycle all over again. I think maybe I am intimidated by a woman who doesnt "need" me. Maybe its a deviant form of "control freak" I doubt the latter because I make it a point to NOT control. I encourage outside lifes for any woman in my life, hell I even read the stupid morning paper advice columns to see what the esteemed Dear Abby warns women against so that I can keep myself in check against becomin one of those men. I believe its just that I need to be needed. Oddly, the thing I feel the women I've know needs, is independance. Quite the paradox isnt it? I find women who have nothing and know how to get anything and show them how to build accounts, how to invest, how to build credit ( I even insist they have credit in their own names-my father did that to my mother and when she divorced him she was FUCKED- in the business and banking world, she didnt exist-took her years to establish herself in those circles)-I show them the basics of following the economy to know when to "hold em and when to fold em"-when to put it in to cds and when mutual funds are a better bet, and of course sometimes if it looks REALLY bad (now) in gold, diamonds, guns and Harleys ( all rarely loose value AND you get to hold and keep them in your hot little hands AND in the event of total economic meltdown, all can be used as currency-well, maybe not the harley)then...*P*O*O*F*...they leave. Why am I rambling on about this? Hell, I dunno. This new woman I write to- WAY out of my league but she has shown me a glimpse of possibility in that perhaps I could find a woman who doesnt need me but merely WANTS me.....what a concept. At the heart of narcissim is of course insecurity- a big machismo, egotistical mask covering a scared little person. I cant believe I'm writing this. Maybe I should take my picture off. Whats the chance anybody will ever read this-slim to none and "slim" just left town...ok. I'll not mess with it. Maybe more next time I feel like barring my soul.

Aw geez. Now what have I done? Ive thought and over thought things half to death again. It really did start out so innocently. I saw her blog quite by accident and the words she wrote-the way she used them in a series-the imagery she conjured in my head with those words left me little shy of smitten. It was ignorance. On my part of course-sheer ignorance that led to me only reading the first page...how was I to know those things rolled back into older writings? The link that said "older posts"? IM A GUY!!!! Directions are a last resort when it just wont work. I compiled my own blog- as a means of experiencing this great "catharticism" of which she spoke-she was right- it was cleansing and somehow it DID feel good to unload a bunch of pent up junk...but...then I discovered "the link". Obviously I had been checking her blog regularly, to see how she was in absence of hearing from her and-ok, I admit, checking to see if any mention of me made it into her journal. There, once again I found myself only this time, armed with the "older posts" button. What I read in these older posts threw me for the proverbial loop. Not in a way one might imagine-oh no, it was ME not her. I know that sounds suspiciously like the worn, tired old relationship line but the fact was, what she had written made me feel guilty. The older posts contained topics regarding some pretty personal, physical stuff and honestly, if I had been looking for a site to read that would "arouse" me...this was it. Now in my own mind I was stuck. I found her intruiging but now I found her also to be arousing. I was emberassed to write to her anymore. I cant do that-she has dealt with enough men who stuff their feelings and leave her to assume the ensuing fallout. I will write to her today. Now it is like a challenge where before it flowed easily. I have to let her know that I was deeply moved (on a much more primal basis) by these earlier writings than I expected to find myself BUT most importantly I cannot leave her feeling like my stupid akwardness is attributed to her. In this instance, it truly is "me-not you". How can I convince her( like I would ever need to discuss it with her) that I have NEVER had a woman who got wet from things I said to her? That has broken MY heart on several occasions-my thoughts? A woman can know from certain physical changes in MY body that she has sexually arroused ME- alas...I've never been with a woman (since high school) whos body showed me she wanted me in that way. That excites the hell out of me. How can I tell her that to ME the sexiest thing in the WORLD is a woman having an orgasm? The sweet feeling of knowing YOU caused her to be in that state of total abandon and the way she collapses, exhausted and spent into your arms afterwards. Sometimes I dont even care to come myself when it has been that good for a woman, its just not neccesary-why does sex so often have to be about HIM having an orgasm? I understand the procreation crap but c'mon now...whos trying to procreate in this scenario? Its all about giving the other person the ultimate physical sensation and nobody has written in stone it has to be him-him first-only him, or even BOTH- why the hell NOT just her? How many centuries have women given us their bodies to use for our pleasure and just accepted what we gave them? FUCK THAT!!! now you see why it was her writings threw me off so badly...it was as if we were on the same page of a very personal conversation- without ever having met. I didnt want to try to convince her that what I was saying was true of me because now, having read her older posts it would so easily sound lame, like a programmed response to what she said. I was dead in the water. I WILL email her again. If only to ask that she read this posting of mine then, if she believes me and SHE wishes to continue our "conversation", then so be it-until then, I just feel like for me to pursue it would be giving the wrong impression. I really dont ever want her to think the things I wiould inevitably say to her eventually are some line of crap I put out there just to illicit a response from her- she has dealt with enough manipulators and I refuse to be just another one.

What a narcissistic jerk

Wow- I cant believe how easy it was to pour out like this. Ah, the anonymity of the internet huh? Now I cant tell if I wrote so much because I am so hung up on myself or because I have kept so much inside for so long any avenue of release is welcome? Either way, the keyboard drones on and my guts spill for all to see. I just realized, in analyzing my previous post, I really didnt say much personally. It was all rather subjective lamentations about my existance. I really do question myself in the arena of narcissism. At times I feel I have the most tremendous ego, at others I really dont know how or why anyone would like or give credit to me for anything. My accomplishments are certainly many and on jobs I have always risen to the top very quickly. I was always the supervisor, foreman, manager etc. but I feel truly unqualified for any of those positions I held. I am not a "manly man" by most any measure. Secret? I dont even know how football is played. Actually, the same is true for all sports-not a clue. Never even watched an entire game of any sport let alone knew what the hell those guys were doing out there. I lie a lot and say its because I'm so very non-competative but the truth is I compete viciously in things that matter to me. I dont hunt or fish- I havent a clue how to fix a car. I'm not into racing or anything "guy" oriented. I am however a helluva cook and I love putting together dinners for moderatley sized dinner parties. A moment of extreme vulgarity if you please dear reader- If I didnt love pussy so much I might wonder about my sexual orientation. My appetite in that area leaves no doubt though. I have a most insatiable appetite in fact-its always been a bone of contention to me in relationships that I cant find a woman who appreciates and shares my desires for frequency. I am very...."constructionally inclined" to coin a phrase (?) I build and repair things around the house a lot. I recently threw in every penny of my remaining assets and inheritance with every penny my mother could muster and we bought a horribly decrepit old house together-just her and I. I worked on it for 4 months and YAY!!! not only is a fairly nice home now for the two of us to live in, it appraised at almost twice what we paid for it. I dont spend all my time here. I still refer to it as "my parents house"- it very much is NOT. The only people on the title to this house are my mother and I-its out of respect for her and my step-father that I use that terminology. We have mutual quit-claims on it exclusive of any other claims anybody may have on it. I hang out with "jim" a lot. He is a mess. EXTREME alcoholic-kinda my "taken under my wing" project. Guess I will be here mostly for a while-he recieved some "reality therapy" from me yesterday and hes kinda super pissed at me now. Hes one of only 2 friends I really claim. The other will be here tomorrow to take my bike out. I severely injured myself this past Sunday. Cuttin firewood and the chainsaw slipped. After 6 hours and MANY attempts at stopping the bleeding I had to concede it was beyond my medical training. Bunch of stitches, painkillers and antibiotics but doc says no motorcycle riding for a pouple weeks. It had already sat for a week due to the cold, now it HAS to run or the battery will die so "john" is gonna come run it for about an hour. He is positively orgasmic and I can stand the thought of someone else on my bike....lesser of 2 evils i s'pose. I am 6' tall, usuall wear boots-not now...kinda hurts lol- my weight fluctuates dramatically between 180 and 210. I have very dark green eyes but they can pale to a dark blue or darken to almost black depending on apperal and circumstance. Im not one of those grossly hairy guys who has to shave their back (thank God..ewwww) but, I have no lack of hair either. My forhead is the same size it was in high school and my hair is just as thick as it was then. I am kinda unique in that I can blend well in many different environments-with quite a varied crowd. I have enough education that I can hold my own in an itellectual group but I'm blue-collar enough that the guys down at the corner bar know better than to cross me much. What an enigma. I cant stand violence but I have taken a few years of kick-boxing and Im startlingly flexible and fast. Im decidedly not homosexual but I abhor most things stereotypically "manly". I really dont think I'm competative but given the right reward and circumstance and I will crush a competitor like a bug to get to the top. I dont go for show but my bike shines at all times and the knowing eye will detect at least 3 thousand dollars worth of clothing and accesories on my rather humble looking back at any point in time. I really like that part. When an uneducated, unknowing individual looks at me and just sees some "bling" but the right person looks and immediatley knows..."the diamonds are real-the boots are handmade-the leather is top-grade-even the zippo isnt stock" hmmm....an epiphany? Just occured to me the crowd most likely to recognize those features would be the old truck drivers i so idolized. We work hard, play hard-make good money and spend it well.....hell, i dunno. therapist? For some funny reason the expression "physician, heal thyself" comes to mind. And what the hell is with the "genius" bullshit. I do have a technically "genius IQ" but what kinda dickhead posts that in their blog??...done for now. byeeeeee.

Mindless ramblings of a genius(?)

Well, this is my first attempt at something relatively public on the great world wide web. I am doing this for a couple reasons. I think it will (could) be therepeutic and I want to show another person a look at me, should they be so inclined to view my rants, raves, thoughts, feelings and ideas. Where to start? How about the here and now with some glimpses into the past? I sit here preparing to go back to school after a considerable period of academic activity. My reasons for doing so? Not sure. Maybe I need to prove to myself my abilities. Maybe I just need a dramatic change from the rest of my life prior to the discontent that has ensued the past 2 years or so. All my life as a child I had but one dream. I wanted to drive "the big trucks". My father was a diesel mechanic who owned a large very succesful shop located on our land in the north valley of Albuquerque, New Mexico. This meant 2 things to me as a child. First I was exposed to the trucks and I was exposed to the drivers. My father was a very abusive alcoholic but in my best interest I suppose he insisted I never learn the first thing about "twisting a wrench" as he called it. Wanted me to have a better life than he had. I still loved the trucks and being blessed with a freakishly high IQ, I quickly endeared myself to the truck drivers who would hang around, waiting on their repairs. They became my idols. Now more than ever I simply HAD to become a truck driver. Before I was out of high school a past employee of my fathers had bought some trucks (car haulers) and gone into his own venture. As soon as I had my first license he came to me one weekend and said he had a load of 9 cars going down to El Paso, Tx but the truck would only carry 8, would I be interested in driving the car down there, riding back in the truck for the freight charge on the car- less gas and oil?.... HELL YEAH!!!! The rest is (broken) history. As soon as I could get my class 7 license ( In state only-truck license back then) I did so (18 yrs old) and as soon as I hit 21 I went through a quick course to verify I knew what I was doing and for the next 7 years I didnt even have a home address- somewhere between New York and L.A. at all times. My parents were devastated. My father begged me to quit and he would pay my books and tuition and allow me to live for free at home if I would go to school for law or medicine. I did give the latter a fair albeit brief attempt, but was soon married with a child on the way and mouths to feed dictated I be on my way. So be it. Over the next ten or so years I really did try to quit driving. Mostly at lovers and girlfriends insistance. I went to school for a while and became a certified nurse-tech in a cardio-thoracic step down unit of a large hospital. The money was pretty good but by this time I had also taken some classes toward business management ( found out associates degree-entry level managers made about half what I made-screw that) and a few classes in accounting-(found out THAT was a saturated market around here-screw that too). Being a fairly bright lad I combined several of my skills and landed a very lucrative driving job hauling a mobile magnetic resonance imaging unit, just in state to small hospitals. It was great and as I said, pretty well paying, especially for these parts. Company went under in about 16 months. Larger corporation came in with better equipment and more of it and we couldnt compete. OK....DARK, HONEST time. Geeee....go figure...SOMEHOW, it academia and truck driving, I became exposed to amphetamines. Ahhh. love at first sight. But only to excess as is my nature. This became quite a problem for me until it escalated to the point of lunacy for a while. I was blessed during my sane periods to have invested wisely, worked for companies with great retirement pakages and really, by my mid 30s I didnt HAVE to work at all if I didnt want to. Amphetamines were plentiful and I had the business skills and connections to make a prosperous little enterprise out of my resources. Didnt count on the variable- and I of all people should know that even a very minor variable in any equation GREATLY affects the outcome. I had married and we were together 10 years. She was a waitress when I met her but she looked like Barbie-only a bit bigger. No education. No refinement, no exposure to any of lifes even most subtle fineries. I enlightened her and she was thrilled. I never saw that I had bought her love. That I had only fallen for her beauty and she had only fallen for my money. We owned a brand new custom built home, well out of town and the brand new car and brand new pick-up our image dictated we have. All the ammenities life could afford our upper middle income existence. I had undertaken the idea of owning a landscape design and installation company, cash under the table money and I clearly had no idea how large that would get nor how quickly. My last year in busineess before the tragic demise of my world I grossed over 250,000 in business and kept 3 full time and 2 part time employees. Life was good- WAY good. So was the dope. WAY GOOD. The wife was doing as much as I was and all I cared about was keeping the jobs bid, the checks cashed, the dope in and the cash made. One fine afternoon I recieved the most unpleasant visit I think anyone could ever have. The gentlemen of the D.E.A., State Police S.W.A.T. team, County police all showed up on the heels of a "flash-bang" grenade through my front picture window. After several months of indirect intervention from family and "friends" (ie: nobody would bail me out) I slowly learned to awful truth of the matter....my WIFE had gone to work for the police as an undercover informant. She was HAVING AN AFFAIR with a cop!!!! Initially they threatened to charge me with a list of crimes that quite frankly, had me planning suicide. I was looking at 28 years to life. ( I had some explosives) Eventually when all the hoopla settled down, EIGHT MONTHS of awaiting trial, later, my attorney assured me they were not interested in incarcerating me and the D.A. offered a "zero-to-three" plea aggreement, meaning the most I could possibly do would be the 3 yrs and since I hadnt hurt anybody I would get 1/2 off my sentance. I accepted, again assured the D.A. would NOT specifically ask for any time on sentancing day. He didnt. The wife showed up and asked to speak- swore I was " such a raving, psychotic lunatic her and her whole family were afraid to sleep at night unless they called the jail to ensure I was safely behind bars". I got the three years. However, in NM they deduct your time awaiting trial right off the top then I got my sentance cut in half for not being a violent offender PLUS I participated in some educational and therepeutic programs while incarcerated that knocked it all down to just a year, which I "served" in a minimum security facility so it wasnt horrible-honestly it was awhole lot like summer camp with REAL dickheads for counselors. EVERYTHING however was lost...I dont know to this day what was in her head-no evidence of problems or issues inour relationship-ALL material possesions are gone. She told my mother she would pack my stuff and bring it to my mothers house-never happened. Got notice the house was foreclosed, car and truck were repossesed. Been out for two years now. Glad to say I am VERY MUCH RETIRED. I am rebuilding my life, piece by piece. I now own an older pick-up truck, but its now paid off in full. Runs great and is worth almost twice what I paid for it. Have had to pay off a lot of bills that were left to rot my credit in order to rebuild. I am pulling it back together despite the fact that I feel I have no motivation for doing so. I guess I just hate to lose. I have credit cards again. I keep the balances very low. That way if I need them, I have the whole line available plus if I have to, I can pay them totally of and it wont hurt. I have financed a used but very much newer SUV. Never really cared for them much but its nice. Mazda Tribute 4 X 4. Also just financed a brand new Harley Davidson. Always wanted one but I always put the more realistic needs of family and work ahead of getting one. Thats not an issue at this moment. I am finally, for the first time in my life, living for ME. And, its scary. I dont know what I want. I am not even certain I know how to figure OUT what I want. I have always had to balance what I did for a living with the compensation and the requirements of a "family" (not always married, but I dont view it that way, when I'm with someone, they and their children are my responsibility and I dont take that lightly) now I can go, do, be- anything I want...just for me. I am pretty sure I am going to follow through with the therapist thought. I have a friend who has his B.A. and has offered to assist me in gaining an internship working with him if I can get the required credits in the right fields. All my credits (not many) wont apply so its back to square one. I am free to move and terrified of moving. I have a friend. Her problems concern me. I doubt she will read this and Im not sure I should call her "friend". Aquaintance? A most unusual circumstance there. I am really on foreign soil and will have to "wait till next weeks episode" to see how that all turns out- I just hope she is safe and happy...at least content. More some other time I guess. Anyone who has read THIS far MUST be as bored as me right now. sorry.