Aw geez. Now what have I done? Ive thought and over thought things half to death again. It really did start out so innocently. I saw her blog quite by accident and the words she wrote-the way she used them in a series-the imagery she conjured in my head with those words left me little shy of smitten. It was ignorance. On my part of course-sheer ignorance that led to me only reading the first page...how was I to know those things rolled back into older writings? The link that said "older posts"? IM A GUY!!!! Directions are a last resort when it just wont work. I compiled my own blog- as a means of experiencing this great "catharticism" of which she spoke-she was right- it was cleansing and somehow it DID feel good to unload a bunch of pent up junk...but...then I discovered "the link". Obviously I had been checking her blog regularly, to see how she was in absence of hearing from her and-ok, I admit, checking to see if any mention of me made it into her journal. There, once again I found myself only this time, armed with the "older posts" button. What I read in these older posts threw me for the proverbial loop. Not in a way one might imagine-oh no, it was ME not her. I know that sounds suspiciously like the worn, tired old relationship line but the fact was, what she had written made me feel guilty. The older posts contained topics regarding some pretty personal, physical stuff and honestly, if I had been looking for a site to read that would "arouse" me...this was it. Now in my own mind I was stuck. I found her intruiging but now I found her also to be arousing. I was emberassed to write to her anymore. I cant do that-she has dealt with enough men who stuff their feelings and leave her to assume the ensuing fallout. I will write to her today. Now it is like a challenge where before it flowed easily. I have to let her know that I was deeply moved (on a much more primal basis) by these earlier writings than I expected to find myself BUT most importantly I cannot leave her feeling like my stupid akwardness is attributed to her. In this instance, it truly is "me-not you". How can I convince her( like I would ever need to discuss it with her) that I have NEVER had a woman who got wet from things I said to her? That has broken MY heart on several occasions-my thoughts? A woman can know from certain physical changes in MY body that she has sexually arroused ME- alas...I've never been with a woman (since high school) whos body showed me she wanted me in that way. That excites the hell out of me. How can I tell her that to ME the sexiest thing in the WORLD is a woman having an orgasm? The sweet feeling of knowing YOU caused her to be in that state of total abandon and the way she collapses, exhausted and spent into your arms afterwards. Sometimes I dont even care to come myself when it has been that good for a woman, its just not neccesary-why does sex so often have to be about HIM having an orgasm? I understand the procreation crap but c'mon now...whos trying to procreate in this scenario? Its all about giving the other person the ultimate physical sensation and nobody has written in stone it has to be him-him first-only him, or even BOTH- why the hell NOT just her? How many centuries have women given us their bodies to use for our pleasure and just accepted what we gave them? FUCK THAT!!! now you see why it was her writings threw me off so badly...it was as if we were on the same page of a very personal conversation- without ever having met. I didnt want to try to convince her that what I was saying was true of me because now, having read her older posts it would so easily sound lame, like a programmed response to what she said. I was dead in the water. I WILL email her again. If only to ask that she read this posting of mine then, if she believes me and SHE wishes to continue our "conversation", then so be it-until then, I just feel like for me to pursue it would be giving the wrong impression. I really dont ever want her to think the things I wiould inevitably say to her eventually are some line of crap I put out there just to illicit a response from her- she has dealt with enough manipulators and I refuse to be just another one.