Mindless ramblings of a genius(?)

Well, this is my first attempt at something relatively public on the great world wide web. I am doing this for a couple reasons. I think it will (could) be therepeutic and I want to show another person a look at me, should they be so inclined to view my rants, raves, thoughts, feelings and ideas. Where to start? How about the here and now with some glimpses into the past? I sit here preparing to go back to school after a considerable period of academic activity. My reasons for doing so? Not sure. Maybe I need to prove to myself my abilities. Maybe I just need a dramatic change from the rest of my life prior to the discontent that has ensued the past 2 years or so. All my life as a child I had but one dream. I wanted to drive "the big trucks". My father was a diesel mechanic who owned a large very succesful shop located on our land in the north valley of Albuquerque, New Mexico. This meant 2 things to me as a child. First I was exposed to the trucks and I was exposed to the drivers. My father was a very abusive alcoholic but in my best interest I suppose he insisted I never learn the first thing about "twisting a wrench" as he called it. Wanted me to have a better life than he had. I still loved the trucks and being blessed with a freakishly high IQ, I quickly endeared myself to the truck drivers who would hang around, waiting on their repairs. They became my idols. Now more than ever I simply HAD to become a truck driver. Before I was out of high school a past employee of my fathers had bought some trucks (car haulers) and gone into his own venture. As soon as I had my first license he came to me one weekend and said he had a load of 9 cars going down to El Paso, Tx but the truck would only carry 8, would I be interested in driving the car down there, riding back in the truck for the freight charge on the car- less gas and oil?.... HELL YEAH!!!! The rest is (broken) history. As soon as I could get my class 7 license ( In state only-truck license back then) I did so (18 yrs old) and as soon as I hit 21 I went through a quick course to verify I knew what I was doing and for the next 7 years I didnt even have a home address- somewhere between New York and L.A. at all times. My parents were devastated. My father begged me to quit and he would pay my books and tuition and allow me to live for free at home if I would go to school for law or medicine. I did give the latter a fair albeit brief attempt, but was soon married with a child on the way and mouths to feed dictated I be on my way. So be it. Over the next ten or so years I really did try to quit driving. Mostly at lovers and girlfriends insistance. I went to school for a while and became a certified nurse-tech in a cardio-thoracic step down unit of a large hospital. The money was pretty good but by this time I had also taken some classes toward business management ( found out associates degree-entry level managers made about half what I made-screw that) and a few classes in accounting-(found out THAT was a saturated market around here-screw that too). Being a fairly bright lad I combined several of my skills and landed a very lucrative driving job hauling a mobile magnetic resonance imaging unit, just in state to small hospitals. It was great and as I said, pretty well paying, especially for these parts. Company went under in about 16 months. Larger corporation came in with better equipment and more of it and we couldnt compete. OK....DARK, HONEST time. Geeee....go figure...SOMEHOW, it academia and truck driving, I became exposed to amphetamines. Ahhh. love at first sight. But only to excess as is my nature. This became quite a problem for me until it escalated to the point of lunacy for a while. I was blessed during my sane periods to have invested wisely, worked for companies with great retirement pakages and really, by my mid 30s I didnt HAVE to work at all if I didnt want to. Amphetamines were plentiful and I had the business skills and connections to make a prosperous little enterprise out of my resources. Didnt count on the variable- and I of all people should know that even a very minor variable in any equation GREATLY affects the outcome. I had married and we were together 10 years. She was a waitress when I met her but she looked like Barbie-only a bit bigger. No education. No refinement, no exposure to any of lifes even most subtle fineries. I enlightened her and she was thrilled. I never saw that I had bought her love. That I had only fallen for her beauty and she had only fallen for my money. We owned a brand new custom built home, well out of town and the brand new car and brand new pick-up our image dictated we have. All the ammenities life could afford our upper middle income existence. I had undertaken the idea of owning a landscape design and installation company, cash under the table money and I clearly had no idea how large that would get nor how quickly. My last year in busineess before the tragic demise of my world I grossed over 250,000 in business and kept 3 full time and 2 part time employees. Life was good- WAY good. So was the dope. WAY GOOD. The wife was doing as much as I was and all I cared about was keeping the jobs bid, the checks cashed, the dope in and the cash made. One fine afternoon I recieved the most unpleasant visit I think anyone could ever have. The gentlemen of the D.E.A., State Police S.W.A.T. team, County police all showed up on the heels of a "flash-bang" grenade through my front picture window. After several months of indirect intervention from family and "friends" (ie: nobody would bail me out) I slowly learned to awful truth of the matter....my WIFE had gone to work for the police as an undercover informant. She was HAVING AN AFFAIR with a cop!!!! Initially they threatened to charge me with a list of crimes that quite frankly, had me planning suicide. I was looking at 28 years to life. ( I had some explosives) Eventually when all the hoopla settled down, EIGHT MONTHS of awaiting trial, later, my attorney assured me they were not interested in incarcerating me and the D.A. offered a "zero-to-three" plea aggreement, meaning the most I could possibly do would be the 3 yrs and since I hadnt hurt anybody I would get 1/2 off my sentance. I accepted, again assured the D.A. would NOT specifically ask for any time on sentancing day. He didnt. The wife showed up and asked to speak- swore I was " such a raving, psychotic lunatic her and her whole family were afraid to sleep at night unless they called the jail to ensure I was safely behind bars". I got the three years. However, in NM they deduct your time awaiting trial right off the top then I got my sentance cut in half for not being a violent offender PLUS I participated in some educational and therepeutic programs while incarcerated that knocked it all down to just a year, which I "served" in a minimum security facility so it wasnt horrible-honestly it was awhole lot like summer camp with REAL dickheads for counselors. EVERYTHING however was lost...I dont know to this day what was in her head-no evidence of problems or issues inour relationship-ALL material possesions are gone. She told my mother she would pack my stuff and bring it to my mothers house-never happened. Got notice the house was foreclosed, car and truck were repossesed. Been out for two years now. Glad to say I am VERY MUCH RETIRED. I am rebuilding my life, piece by piece. I now own an older pick-up truck, but its now paid off in full. Runs great and is worth almost twice what I paid for it. Have had to pay off a lot of bills that were left to rot my credit in order to rebuild. I am pulling it back together despite the fact that I feel I have no motivation for doing so. I guess I just hate to lose. I have credit cards again. I keep the balances very low. That way if I need them, I have the whole line available plus if I have to, I can pay them totally of and it wont hurt. I have financed a used but very much newer SUV. Never really cared for them much but its nice. Mazda Tribute 4 X 4. Also just financed a brand new Harley Davidson. Always wanted one but I always put the more realistic needs of family and work ahead of getting one. Thats not an issue at this moment. I am finally, for the first time in my life, living for ME. And, its scary. I dont know what I want. I am not even certain I know how to figure OUT what I want. I have always had to balance what I did for a living with the compensation and the requirements of a "family" (not always married, but I dont view it that way, when I'm with someone, they and their children are my responsibility and I dont take that lightly) now I can go, do, be- anything I want...just for me. I am pretty sure I am going to follow through with the therapist thought. I have a friend who has his B.A. and has offered to assist me in gaining an internship working with him if I can get the required credits in the right fields. All my credits (not many) wont apply so its back to square one. I am free to move and terrified of moving. I have a friend. Her problems concern me. I doubt she will read this and Im not sure I should call her "friend". Aquaintance? A most unusual circumstance there. I am really on foreign soil and will have to "wait till next weeks episode" to see how that all turns out- I just hope she is safe and happy...at least content. More some other time I guess. Anyone who has read THIS far MUST be as bored as me right now. sorry.