stagnant-static-bummed

Well, today is a totally eneventful experience. Yay. I get to try to find a new insurance company for my suv, truck, bike and moms car. That fricken lizard raped me on the move to this area of town. Rates went up something outrageous like 25%. Ridiculous...I think I hate geckos. Havent heard from her in a couple days. Trying hard to remember that the world doesnt revolve around me. I have always had an issue with that I guess-probably why I always went above and beyond the call to insure that it did in fact revolve around me. It has always come as such a shock to me when a woman breaks up with me. This again is my fault, viewing it all in retrospect. I have gone out of my way to seek out the proverbial "damsel in distress" and rescue her. Then, as my doomed to failure plan always proceeds, I promptly put her on a pedastal, raise her up to heights shes never seen and then, once she is firmly implanted at a higher level of life, love, society, education etc.-she dumps me. I have NEVER been the one to be pursued. I have always been the pathetic moron calling, begging, crying, confering with dr.s and ministers to help me win "her" back. I feel like such a piece of shit. I feel used in the most unsavory way. I would almost rather be a raped abused woman than what I have been through. ( sorry nameless reader-horrid analogy, I know) I cant help but feel that way. Every time a relationship has ended...and I literally mean EVERYTIME, I have left with honestly nothing more than the clothes on my back. Yes, I have been homeless, yes, I have slept on the street, yes I have worked for a temp agency as I scratched and clawed my way back into the acceptance of society-only to meet a new someone, bring her along with me into the light of a better life and start the cycle all over again. I think maybe I am intimidated by a woman who doesnt "need" me. Maybe its a deviant form of "control freak" I doubt the latter because I make it a point to NOT control. I encourage outside lifes for any woman in my life, hell I even read the stupid morning paper advice columns to see what the esteemed Dear Abby warns women against so that I can keep myself in check against becomin one of those men. I believe its just that I need to be needed. Oddly, the thing I feel the women I've know needs, is independance. Quite the paradox isnt it? I find women who have nothing and know how to get anything and show them how to build accounts, how to invest, how to build credit ( I even insist they have credit in their own names-my father did that to my mother and when she divorced him she was FUCKED- in the business and banking world, she didnt exist-took her years to establish herself in those circles)-I show them the basics of following the economy to know when to "hold em and when to fold em"-when to put it in to cds and when mutual funds are a better bet, and of course sometimes if it looks REALLY bad (now) in gold, diamonds, guns and Harleys ( all rarely loose value AND you get to hold and keep them in your hot little hands AND in the event of total economic meltdown, all can be used as currency-well, maybe not the harley)then...*P*O*O*F*...they leave. Why am I rambling on about this? Hell, I dunno. This new woman I write to- WAY out of my league but she has shown me a glimpse of possibility in that perhaps I could find a woman who doesnt need me but merely WANTS me.....what a concept. At the heart of narcissim is of course insecurity- a big machismo, egotistical mask covering a scared little person. I cant believe I'm writing this. Maybe I should take my picture off. Whats the chance anybody will ever read this-slim to none and "slim" just left town...ok. I'll not mess with it. Maybe more next time I feel like barring my soul.